Hey, Pavel, welcome. I am really sorry you are suffering. Have you ever thought about maybe possibly getting a therapist to talk about some of these things? I think it might be able to help you.

I had a very lonely, painful, and difficult teenagehood. I had near-constant bipolar depression. It wasn't ever treated because everybody just thought I was "too sensitive." If I had been able to see a professional sooner, it might have saved me a lot of heartache.

Please look into seeing someone. Therapy can completely transform your life. Sending you support and positive thoughts.