Thanks for your reply.

It's interesting that you mention about idealising your T in relation to this topic as I think I have a tendency to the same.

I'm not attracted to current T, although I do notice if she looks particularly attractive ( perhaps this is more of the jealousy aspect? ). I also don't see her as a mother figure, even though I'm jealous of her children. I don't want her to fulfill that role. This surprises me as I was extremely attached to other Ts in the past. I idealised them and saw them as mother figures while being attracted to them at the same time. It really messed with my head.

I really don't understand transference. In my experience of therapy, Ts never want to address it, despite them being at least partly responsible for creating it. It also has only ever caused me to feel the pain of longing for something I can never have, ashamed of my feelings towards T and then anger at them having manipulated me.

I understand your point about not being able to fully benefit from therapy by keeping secrets from T, however, I feel very uneasy about telling her as I don't think she will handle it well. Underneath the "blank slate" exterior, I sometimes get a glimpse of what I perceive as T having lost her footing a bit in session. It's like she knows what to say and how to behave for most things in line with her training, but then I present her with something new and unfamiliar and I think I see her floundering a bit, as though she's got slightly out of her depth. Maybe this is just my perception though...who knows?