I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I've made 2 major attempts of my own in the past. So I know at least a thing or two about what you're dealing with. In my case, both of my major attempts were spur-of-the-moment decisions. Had someone asked me, the night before, if I was in danger I'd have said no & been sincere about it. But I got up each of those mornings, decided I'd had enough, & I was going to do something about. So I did.

I don't know how typical that is of people who struggle with suicidal thoughts in general. Maybe it's something that is more-or-less unique to me. But it's something I always think about when I read a post here on PC written by a member who is struggling with suicidal thoughts. The thing is, like you, although I wouldn't have thought I was in immediate danger, I did have the means to do what I did. And having the means does put one significantly closer to the possibility of taking action. So I think that is something one has to take into account.

You mentioned your pdoc threatening the hospital at every appointment. If you're plagued with thoughts of suicide, you have a plan, & the means to carry it out, perhaps the hospital is an appropriate (if not desirable) option? I can't say that my own hospitalizations were anything to write home about, so to speak. But at least they kept me safe at a time when I was not able to do so for myself. Plus, after one of my hospitalizations, I attended a partial hospital program. And that was helpful.

Here are links to 3 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help if you're not already familiar with them:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

How Suicidal Thoughts Can Become a Coping Mechanism

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

Please take care.