I'm not a good person. I'm kinda spoiled, I don't come from a rich family but we've always been well off, and I've never really had to care about anything. I feel guilty about it, I don't know how life feels like, when you actually have to try to be able to survive. I'd love to experience it one day, 'cause I believe the thrill would finally bring some spark into this dullness.
I've always felt dull, missing something. It's like drowning, life feels like really slow and painful drowning. Sometimes the lack of oxygen kicks in and you feel good for a while, but then you realize you're drowning again and you can't breathe.

I used to be bullied all the way through elementary school, middle school and high school. No matter how much I tried, there was always something wrong with me. I was too short, too skinny, too childish, too scattered, too loud, too talkative, too theatrical and dramatic. Then I was too quiet, too closed, too secretive, too weird... I was too much of an emo, I was too much of a punk-rocker, I was too much of a goth, I was too little of these things.

I spent my whole childhood and teenage years trying to make people like me. To be liked and seen for what I was but the harder I tried, the less liked I felt, and the more people laughed at me, and made me feel worthless.

I've tried so hard to make peace with the fact that I am not like most people, and most of them won't ever get me or like me. I found so much solace and hope in art, music, poetry and literature, those things became my whole world. My teachers noticed me and made me participate in singing, writing and acting competitions, and I always came back with some sort of a medal or a diploma. It made me believe, that I'm simply one of those artists, who are meant for greater things and common folks won't ever get me.

I believed in it so freaking much... It was the only thing in my life that kept me from ending my life and kept me sane during all those years of being put down by my peers. Later in high school, I even made some real good friends, I got involved with many people who made art and played music, and I was happy. I really believed that we all sort of... make it in the world and become something.

Being a part of a social group full of people, who had the same interests and values was so refreshing for me. My teachers and family kept on supporting me, even though I lost my path for a little, I went to study art abroad. I made it through a pretty decent university and I felt like... the world belonged to me.

After finishing the uni, I was sure that my life would only become good. I found a partner, who is also a writer and a musician, thanks to him, I felt secure a balanced. I started my first real job hunt two years ago...and ever since that...my life has been hell.

I thought that... because I studied abroad and I know English well, the most elite employers would fight to hire me. Well... of course they don't. I gave up on the idea of becoming a full time writer or a musician, 'cause I need to make some money. Or else... I like to buy fancy and sort of expensive things. So I started to write articles for kind of ****** magazines and websites. At first, I dind't care that they were ****** as long as they were paying, but later on, it always became an issue. They wanted different kind of content, than the one I was able and aiming to write.

I had to change my writing a lot, I had to learn how to write for a totally different audience than I wanted to, and honestly... it's been killing me. I quit my last job a month ago, I've been in three different newsrooms in 2 years and none of them was a good fit for me.

I was thinking about cutting back my expenses and finishing my novel, but... what if it wasn't the newsroom's fault? What if...I'm just not talented and good enough for this. I can't bear the thought of being rejected by a publisher.

I could also always come back to making music, but because of all the stress I've had the past few months, I had an argument with some bandmates and we might never get back together...

I'm just so screwed...