I'm heart sick, depressed, and have aged 15 years during these past 14 months. I was a youthful woman with good physical health. That's gone out the window.
Like I said, I was an at-home mom. Both of my children were planned for and absolutely adored by my husband and I, and by our extended families. Money was definitely tight, but we managed to keep the kids in a terrific school, K through 8.
When my daughter "N" was 3 (I was pregnant with my son) she began showing symptoms of extreme anxiety. Fears of fire (no idea why), fears of certain pictures in books. Just generalized anxiety. I was raised in a Jewish family (my husband in a Methodist family). I spoke with my rabbi & he referred me to a child psychiatrist for N. My husband and I took her there and the pdoc did play therapy with her. It helped, but N remained with a dx of GAD and I made sure she was always in therapy to learn coping skills, etc.
Our home was loving. My husband & I def had some marital issues and there were occasional arguments. That said, we agreed on how to parent and that was never a problem, in any way. All in all, a lot of love and stability in the home. Yes, I have bipolar disorder, but I did my very best to model, for my kids, how to self-care when it came to mental health (therapy, spiritual work, med compliance).
Jump ahead years. My daughter and son both went to college. Graduated. When my daughter was 26 she married a guy who had grown up in the foster care system. His "family" was extremely dysfunctional and scattered. He had a good job, which impressed my daughter, but more than anything she had had a boyfriend she was wild in love with and the man dumped her. She admitted to me that her marriage was, at least in part, a slap in the face to her former boyfriend.
All of her life N and I were inseparable. Mom and daughter for sure - but best friends, too. My son went to live in Paris (job), then was transferred back to San Francisco. He's doing really well in life and is married to a young woman I absolutely adore. He has occasional contact with his sister. They always loved each other very much, but N has even cut back on her relationship with him.
Meanwhile, N decided to go to grad school. She applied, got in, and I was so happy for her. She loved being in grad school right away, but also felt stressed with all the work, and so on. I encouraged her to see a T, just to have a place to talk about her stress and continue to work on coping skills.
N agreed. She started seeing the T in August of 2018. In September of 2018 I started having a rough mixed state. By far the toughest mood issue that I had ever had. My dx was changed from BP2 to BP1. Meds weren't dong too much. Still, I was doing my very best not to burden my family with my mental health state. But I kept declining (I now wonder if the decline was connected to menopause/hormonal changes).
In November of 2018 I was talking with my sister and told her that I was feeling suicidal - even though I had no plan...just feeling completely overwhelmed. I fairly begged my sister not to, but she called 911 on me.
The cops showed up, handcuffed me, and took me to the local psych ER. I was seriously furious at my sister and just felt awful, frightened, a mess. But I was very cooperative and quiet at the hospital so I wouldn't have to remain IP. Fortunately there were no psych hospitals anywhere around that had beds available. So after being held for an agonizing 20 hours I was released.
N came in to see me while I was in the holding room. She was furious at me. Told me I needed to stop acting like a child by threatening suicide. Yelling at me. I told her to please keep her voice down. I didn't want to attract the attention of the staff. She was outraged and yelled at me, "I'm done, I'm just done!"
She walked out of the room. That was the last time I've seen her or had any communication with her. By the next day she had blocked me on all social media, etc.
I have continued to send her small gifts and short notes now and then. I remain very neutral, never accusing or anything like that.
I strongly suspect that N's therapist is encouraging her to do the "NC" (no contact) thing that is a trend with some young people these days. I would understand - IF my daughter had a reason to cut ties. But there is no valid reason.
My best friend of 50 years tells me that I just plain spoiled my daughter. I never, never believed that a child could be "spoiled" with love...but maybe I'm wrong. I'm by nature a giver; so is my son. But N tends to be a taker...she always has been.
At this point N has zero contact with me or with extended family. She calls her dad, my husband, about every 8 weeks. A bit odd, since N and her dad had a sometimes rocky relationship.
So 14 months. My therapist is empathetic, but what can she really say? All I can feel or see is pain. Like I said, I'm developing health problems that I feel are due to the tremendous grief I have in the pit of my stomach.
So that's my estrangement story. I don't think I've ever written such a long post online, so thank you for reading, and for allowing me to write out all this grief.