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Jan 05, 2020, 11:39 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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I guess I am really, truly NUTS.
This day was nearly unbearable. I was so severely depressed that I was concerned about myself, was considering going to the ER. But I didn't want to go IP.
It was a bad day, and each of you who replied to me have been so gentle and kind, plus you've given me some excellent info.
AND THEN NIGHT CAME!
And I noticed my mood lifting and then I noticed my mood lifting some more, and I thought about buying a ticket for a movie I want to see (really, I want to be IN the movie, but of course that's not realistic)---
So here I am, doing this (apparently) BP thing. GEE! What's next?
Demons with wings?
The man who stands in my bedroom and stares out the window?
Is it any wonder BP's have a high suicide rate?
mY heART is bRoKEn 
Is it something I can live with? Will one day finally come, maybe on my 60th birthday, when I say OH! I CAN live like this!! Never knowing if the day will be up, down, both? (It's certainly never "neither.")
And if I cannot live with it, so I go back to Dr. W. and tell her that maybe the Zyprexa was helping, after all, and I take the medication that will kill me so I don't kill myself?
I want to run down the street and breathe the cold winter air, but instead I'll take my meds and go to bed and wake up and...who knows what.
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