Quote:
Originally Posted by Serpentine Leaf
You are a person of deep compassion and strong morality. I may have posted this quote before, but I will do so again: "Genuine goodness is threatening to those on the opposite of the moral spectrum." I forget to whom that quote belongs. You live in a place that scorns compassion and morality as weakness, because it's a vicious scrabble up the bleeding backs of rivals to get ahead in relationships as well as economically. Moral people WILL return compassion and dignity; immoral ones will see it as a sign of weakness or foolishness. I urge everyone to hold fast to their values and live them, no matter what reaction we get from the outside. We can't be complete human beings otherwise.
The difficulty in expression thoughts and feelings is almost ubiquitous for people on the autism spectrum, as well as those on the ADHD spectrum, with social anxiety, and with learning disabilities. Even some others who were just never taught skills, or who grew up with emotional neglect. That covers A LOT of people. I don't say this to minimize anyone's struggles, I only say it to bring a feeling of unity in a shared struggle. I'm still working on self-expression too. Writing is easier for me than speaking. It gives mea much better platform to organize my thoughts in a way that's comprehensible to others. I've also had struggles understanding nonverbal communication. Watching the work of highly skilled actors has helped me in this.
I'm so sorry Christmas and New Year's were such rough times for you. I 100% understand the loneliness and the downward spirals of self-attack. That's what brought me to PC in the first place, and I'm sure most everyone else here too. The self-compassion exercises have broken this cycle for me and I again urge everyone to work through them. The OCD worksheets might also be helpful. Please keep in mind that you are not fundamentally flawed, and your situation is NOT hopeless. I don't wish to be intrusive, but sometimes you have to remove yourself from toxic situations and people if it's bringing you to this place. Even if the removal is temporary, you need that time away to recover. If you have a wound on your arm and someone continually pokes at it, you have to pull it away. The same is true for our emotional and psychological wounds.
Please reach out to someone quickly. Is your mom supportive and understanding of your situation? Is there any affordable mental health care where you live? This is very serious and I'm concerned about you.
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Thanks for the kind words. I just feel like the quote by the Beatles song "The End",
The love you take is equal to the love you make is not really pertinent. Maybe I just need hard evidence to see it, since I am so results-based and science-based. It is hard to keep reminded myself that the sample bias of this place is very different to what I would find elsewhere. My mother believes in karma despite being irreligious, and it seems like karma is that whatever one does good is never repayed as goodness. It seems that goodness just vanished into thin air.
For that reason, I was contemplating doing some temporary work thing in a place like Finland or Sweden before studying, just to have a quick change of atmosphere. Italian bureaucracy to get paperwork done and certified will take a while, so I probably cannot study until at least next year.
Sometimes I feel like the only way to express how I feel is through telepathy, because with words I would just stutter and pause and it would just come out wrong if I tried to say it orally. What I am writing here, I pause every few seconds to think and look it over. In speaking, I cannot do this, so I know what you mean.
Both Christmas and New Years I went to Japantown alone, and felt like I were seeing couples all over the place. I just feel like I am at the same stuck position that I was when I was in my 20s. Everyone else is progressing past me. Male relatives who are younger than half my age have girlfriends. This so frustrating. It is like Einstein's adage about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is insanity. But what is doing new things and expecting a different result, but still getting the same or worse results? It is like nothing changes.
I usually talk to my mother about stuff. On occasion when she was alive, like when I was 25, my grandmother would come up to talk to me. But this issue that I have eats me up like battery acid on wood.