Somehow that date with the vomiting habit was one of the least worst. I would not say better, because none were good. But I have had much worse than that.

I think that I was born with some self-esteem problem. Since I could remember, i.e. since before I knew how to speak, I felt some sort of low self-esteem. The very few times that I had self-esteem were when I accomplished something at least slightly noteworthy. Otherwise, it often is chronically low.

This city was the world epicentre of the AIDS epidemic since the early 1980s, so I am a bit more cautious than people from elsewhere. At meetups I have heard people who state that they had just recovered from gonorrhoea or chlamydia and stuff. I am not sure why people are proud of this, but I think that VD is endemic here. My fears have eased a bit about the kissing stuff. Of course, mononucleosis as well as rhinovarii like colds and flu are possible, but these are not VD.

I think that it was a combination of things that messed me up. I am kind of now used to not celebrating neither Christmas nor New Year's, and spending them alone. But it seems like everyone else has a group of friends plus someone special to spend these times with. But that is just a small part. I feel like in addition to extended family usually asking about my life and why I lack this or that that people half my age have accomplished, making me feel like something is wrong with me, but I feel like I am not progressing. Since my 20s, in many ways I have remained stagnant. Each year since I was around 12 or 13 I thought to myself, "Maybe next year I will not remain single" and related. Each year ends up being the exact same thing like the last. I feel like anything romantic or social is so ridiculously hard that even a 13 year old has better social skills and acts more normal than I do. I feel like often I have nothing to look forward to, and I see my peers with spouses and families and large amounts of friends. A lot of others seem to have a great time, and in contrast each day just seems like a drag, a pain to endure until night when I go to bed and then struggle to sleep. I am often disgusted with myself in many ways.