Thanks for the support all. I just saw that my post was approved as I didn’t get a notification about it or the replies.

It’s been really hard. There are some days when I feel like I’m okay and I will be fine focusing on myself and my business and other days where the thought of how much I’ve been used just makes me curl up into a ball. Distracting myself is not that easy because I tend to obsess over details. It’s good for my job but no so much the rest of my life.

It feels like a really bad cycle and I know it will take time to heal but I am in a place (like @crazyHitch said) where I do not know myself that much. I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder & Dissociative Identity Disorder so I know that I already have to struggle with mood swings and feeling generally out of place but now it’s worse and I really don’t know what to do. It’s taking all my strength just to get through a regular day. I am trying to speak to a counsellor but I fear she may eventually tell me that it’s too much for her to handle and send me to the psychiatrist, which means going back on drugs that I don’t want. I always end up feeling numb and like I’m in a daze, watching my body from the outside.

I really want to do my best to take care of myself. I have tried to redirect my energy into designing or writing music but I’m still in my head a lot and the time just keeps going by. I also have trouble with feeling like I deserve certain things, especially since I’ve now been home for a month swinging from manic to depressive and I haven’t done much work. The beaches are great @bpcyclist but getting there and back plus enjoying the day takes money and time and I’m just here trying to get my finances back in order. It’s a rough situation right now. I’m glad you had a great time here, it’s a beautiful country.

I know the best thing is to let go. I don’t have to worry about no-contact cause she’s blocked me on everything I could possibly reach her by except email - as if I was the one who hurt her and not the other way around. I just don’t know where to start. I have a few friends that I talk to about the situation but I don’t want to become burdensome so I avoid the topic if I can. Nobody likes someone who is complaining all the time. My energy is really low and I’m vibrating on all the wrong frequencies. I keep wishing I could get to the me before this relationship but then again I’d probably still end up here because I was raised in a similar household where my mom does everything and my ‘sperm donor’ doesn’t work. He actually called me a ‘waste of sperm’ last week. I try to ignore him.

I just wish the pain would stop. I thought it would lessen by now but it hasn’t. If anything it gets worse for me as more time passes because I feel less like a human and more like a shell. It feels less acceptable to talk about what happened ... like I should just ‘get over it’. I’m having trouble with watching tv or movies - especially when they involve romance of any kind. Or worse, when they have scenes of domestic violence. I get really anxious and I start having flashbacks and I cry. Or I feel panic for the person - no matter how much I try to remind myself it’s just tv. I cry every time I try to talk about it. I’m crying now.

I don’t know when it’s going to get any better. I’m just trying to stay alive until the next day.