((Alex)) You mother sounds like she was very oppressive. I'm struggling a bit now trying figure out for myself why there was always seemed to be a disconnect between my mother and I. I've felt a lot of guilt about not feeling connected to my mother. My mother was very kind and loving and wanted to show me affection. Yet, I ran from her, rejected her and often got angry at her. I feel really bad about how I must have treated her sometimes.

However, I do think she played some roll in teaching me that what I feel and how I behave is not correct or normal. I really remember feeling confused because what I was told I should feel was never consistent with what I was actually feeling.

As Perna mentioned I also was a very willful child and likely very difficult for her to handle. Both my parents were physically disabled and I was incredibly impulsive, aggressive, and hyperactive child. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my parents to deal with me. I mentioned in my last therapy session that I really dislike physical contact and that I think my dislike for it preceded my memories of childhood sexual abuse. As I think reflect on outside of the session, I think my parents have more to do with the my connecting physical contact with control, pain, discomfort, and negative emotions than my abusers. As a small child they kept me physically retrained, they were always reprimanding me verbally and physically for running off, not sitting still in church, not wanting to be held. They insisted that I let people hug and kiss me and insisted that I reciprocate affection towards people I didn't like. They made me feel like it was wrong for me not to like this attention, that I was an evil little girl who didn't listen and follow directions.

As an adult I can appreciate their actions, but I also am somewhat angry at them too. If that makes any sense.