Thank you very much for your words. I appreciate them a lot. The part about having a huge mood shift and readjusting helped me to think about it for a while. I’ve been under pressure since about 2016 to constantly be working to ensure the other person’s survival (I was in a different unhealthy relationship then for about a year).

I think I felt extra stressed today because I anticipated this Monday being my ‘get back to work’ day and I felt like a failure because I no longer had the willpower to do all I had planned. Even though I have been home for the last month I used the holidays as a sort of ‘excuse’ to allow myself to rest and now that they have passed I don’t feel like I am allowed to rest anymore. I get that I need to be kinder to myself and take it bit by bit ... sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s not.

I was also raised under pressure so I feel like I’m not getting anywhere if there isn’t a looming deadline or I’m not berating myself for my ‘wasted’ time. I ensured that I knew how to read by age 3 because my father used to ‘discipline’ me with the belt if I didn’t get words right while being taught. I was homeschooled up until the 4th grade. Doing work is my safest place so I don’t know how to function without constantly working. He is also a religious fanatic so I didn’t have any friends or know anything about life outside of the church for a long time. I’ve always lived a very unbalanced life and it’s difficult trying now to tell myself that just being alive is more than enough so I should take it easy.

I’m working on it though. At the very least I’m aware of where my trauma stems from and I can identify issues in my life that have led to certain behaviours. I blame myself for not seeing that I deserved more while I was in these unhealthy relationships but blame doesn’t really help anybody. I swing between anger and blame a lot right now because if I’m not blaming myself then I’m shaking with anger at the injustice of what the other person did. It feels like Karma isn’t working fast enough. People keep telling me to let it go. Work on myself. A really hateful part of me wants to mess up her life in any way I possibly can. I tried so many times to forgive her and every time she spit in my face.

In any case, it all comes back to one minute at a time. Nothing else you can do. Can’t control everything ... even though you would love to. My dreams have been better than reality so I go to sleep. I’ll wake up and go right back because I haven’t seen the end of that one .. even though dreams have no end or beginning. Even when they’re nightmares. At least they are nightmares I feel in control of.