Someone had mentioned at another time on a thread how I've gone so long without SI'ing.

I began SI'ing at 16-17, and it would be an everyday thing. Back then, sometimes it was for the fun of it...I was mesmerized by the blood and calmness that came over me. But I never enjoyed the pain (thus SI was always superficial). I never wanted scars so I took care of my injuries and never wanted people to see so I covered them. I was bullied at school and SI has always been a "punishment" for when I was "wrong" or "being bad" or "undeserving". SI happened whenever I had a fight with my loved ones or friends (punishment) and then it became a holiday thing (Christmas was "I don't deserve such nice things" and family holidays were overwhelming because I was the black sheep of the family).

My parents had enough of my SI'ing and took me to a psych. I hated it because when they asked to see my new scars they'd have me show them to my parents.

But when I was hospitalized and dx with bipolar I realized there was "nothing wrong with who I am" and I actively sought help for myself through meds, counseling, meditation, groups, therapeutic horseback riding...the whole umbrella of resources.

After years of actively using the resources, I got to the point where I allowed myself SI only twice a year: Christmas, and one time any other point in time where I absolutely needed to (it oddly happens around summer).

Thus, when I feel the need to SI, I use my resources to get myself leveled out and fight the urges until I no longer need to SI. That as you all know is no easy feat, because the thoughts are like a blind rage where no other thought can overcome the need to SI until the deed is done. And yet, I've been able to talk myself down even during those blind rages.

This Christmas was the first in ten years where I did not SI. I had a very rough fall semester and had to make some difficult decisions I've never had to do so, and I had to free myself from very toxic situations and address them as I did...so when December rolled around I was extremely elated from how free I felt. I had no urge to SI during that time, and I had the happiest Christmas for the first time in so long. And by doing so, I broke the cycle.

Will I SI in the future? It's a possibility. There's always a possibility because like any addiction it will call upon me to do so in a way that is almost impossible to ignore. It will crush me when I give in, but it will not break me. I've worked very hard to use my resources to overcome my mental health and SI issues.

And I want to remind everyone to be gentle with themselves and to find their own resources. I've used many different resources since my dx and not all works for me, and it's taken years of practice in order to know what resources are best for each issue. But if you want to overcome SI, all it takes is the first step.