It's a small office, and I'm not even covered by FMLA (less than 13 employees). And it's a small town. People talk.

It's not that I "can't" get time off for an appointment (after the 15th....before then...no, really, I CAN'T). It's that I would have to tell them why. And if I make up fake excuses every time...it's going to come back to bite me later. But I don't want everyone to know I'm crazy.

I don't even have a diagnosis yet, so it's not like I can tell them what I have.

I'm just mad at myself now, for moving here in the first place. I knew I was crazy before I took this job. Well, I was actually doing pretty good last year, but I knew my past. I had a hard enough time finding help in a city of 1 million people....gee, I wonder why it's harder to find it in a town of about 40,000!! What do I expect. I'm the idiot who moved here.

And when I finally do find something....it's in the middle of a work day. So I can't just slip out for a long lunch and have it be less noticeable. Nobody goes to lunch at 9:45 AM.

I've gained 30 pounds back very quickly from all my binging....it's no surprise that at least three people at the office have seriously asked me when I'm having another baby. While they glance at my belly. And stare ever-so-judgingly at my sixth or seventh cup of coffee.

I know, I know, I'm just making excuses now. I just.....ugh...I wish I could just go somewhere, say "I NEED HELP", and GET it, and somehow be able to at least get SOMETHING after 4:59:59 PM on a weekday. Without having to go to the ER and tell them I'm suicidal.