Hi brokenlosttired. I am sorry for the loss of your dad. It must be quite a loss for you. Survivor's guilt happens and guilt we did not say all the things we should have.

I lost my dad 3 years ago but it was not sudden or unexpected as he had been in nursing care for a couple years. The pain was worse at first. I started going to support groups and I found people that knew how I felt and so I did not feel alone and isolated.

if you are having suicidal thoughts, a professional can help you to get stable again.

Here are some articles that may be of help. Coping with Grief | Psych Central