My self-esteem is definitely at its lowest since I was 26. It is possible that it lowers to reach the level that it was when I was 26.

From what I understand, many people here consider having VD to be “battle scars”, similar to how someone who had been sent to war comes back with scars or amputated limbs or whatever. It like some testament to their toughness. I really fail to understand this analogy though. Having gonorrhoea or chlamydia or syphilis, or even worse, AIDS cannot possibly be something good. But yes, BDSM is big here, and I have been shamed for not going to BDSM workshops in that porn studio. One time an acquaintance showed me which websites that studio runs. Apparently, it is quite important in the porn industry. It would be similar to a mini-Hollywood in the movie business.

On both Christmas and New Year’s Day I went into the city during the day and came back in the evening. I was around with my mother in the evening, like any other day. This single issue hurts though no matter who is around.

That is true, and I feel like I will have to sever ties with not only my father’s family, but also my mother’s family. My extended family essentially use me as a subject of ridicule. During a big family gathering on my mother’s side when I was 24, various relatives kept coming up to me and asking where was my girlfriend/wife. One even came up to me with a smirk on his face, started to giggle then said, “You know, we been talking about you…a lot. Where is your girlfriend, your wife?”. Apparently gossip about me being asexual, gay, mentally ill, retarded, and whatever they think is going around constantly because of my inability to attract women.

I am quite down right now, and really question my entire existence and life. Every single day seems to be gloom and unhappiness. I feel like I have tried so many things, but they have all failed. I no longer have my grandmother to talk to, but sometimes I talk with my mother. I never talk to my father about this. He is basically an alpha male type, slightly like the types of guys who make fun of other guys for being single. Over the years since I was a teenager, I have received comments like how no girl would ever want me, “Look in the mirror, do you think any woman would like what she sees?”, as well as being asked if I even like women in the first place. Plus comments like how this guy or that guy is half my age and has a girlfriend, I am a loser compared to these guys. This obviously never helped my self-esteem, so now I basically do not talk to him at all. Perhaps it sounds sexist—against my own gender—to say this, but the males in my family have not been helpful or sympathetic to my situation.

I often do think that people are enjoying themselves and that I am not. Perhaps people are putting on an act, a façade, something that would not surprise me especially here. But I just feel terrible. I feel like a leper, an outcast from society. Unloved at age 30. I am a laughing stock on both sides of my family, and only my mother can understand my situation since my father thinks that I am just a weird loser who is retarded and thus cannot attract women. Zero friends.

I am getting that indigestion feeling again and feel like if I really dwell on my failure as a 30 year old single male, I get afraid that my mouth will open and that I will start to retch or vomit. This is very reminiscent of the depressive hole in which I found myself when I was 26. I can barely concentrate anymore, and cannot even read a few pages of my language textbooks.