Thank you for your reply Tikatikadoom. You've picked up on something really important. I do always want to understand my feelings and its something I've done all my life as a way to try and avoid them, or get rid of them. I find it very hard to sit with intense feelings and let them be. I want to rationalise it all away, and sometimes this helps, but I'm left with the feelings.

Yes, I have brought the issue up with her. I had a dream about the wedding which was actually quite telling in terms of how I feel and what I need and I did talk about it with her. She has always been reassuring about nothing changing and the fact she cares about me. She knows it is a struggle. I hadn't mentioned it for the last two sessions as other stuff was dominant, but now that her wedding is actually happening all the feelings have intensified. I'm relieved that I have the chance to see her to talk about the wedding before it happens. Not that I'm planning to stop it or anything (haha) but just to feel I've had the chance to let her know just how bad this feels now. I expect she will reassure me again but the feeling runs so deep that maybe all we can both do is sit with it and accept it's there. Maybe it's just about saying look, I hate this, I hate the fact you care about other people that much and they're not me, I hate that I won't even be there with all the important people, I hate that I wish I could be the only person in your life (no, I can't say that, it's not fair).

I'm scared though...I don't want to ruin the day for her. I'm sure I couldn't possibly do that, but I feel anxious about telling her I'm hurting over what is likely going to be one of the best days of her life. It feels kind of horrible. She has excellent boundaries and self awareness and can separate my stuff from hers, but I'm still anxious about going into my pain in case it hurts her. That will be the main barrier I think.

I'm sorry you experienced this with your T's baby. I would hate that too. In fact I'm already insanely jealous of my T's kids. I try not to think about them it hurts so much, but it can be awful going into her home and seeing their stuff around. But yes, your last sentence is really powerful and I honestly think that's exactly what I need.