Hello everybody,

thanx for taking the time to read this, it helps just to think that someone, somewhere is hearing what i have to say. When i posted before i wondered if i was in 'the right place'... i still wonder if i deserve to be here. The more i read, the more i think that i've got it easy compared to some. Because i have days when things seem ok, i think that maybe i'm wasting peoples time here, and shouldn't be posting at all, that someone who needs the support more than me should have the space that i am taking up.

It makes me cry to think that, but that's just me feeling sorry for myself again. I think going online to a place like this is my last resort. I have tried to reach out to people in my life, but i'm too scared that if they knew the whole truth they wouldn't want to be around me anymore and i'd end up completely alone.

Now i'm thinking about the relationships in my life and wondering if any of them are 'real' - i feel like my personality and whole being is based on lies - me pretending to be happy, pretending that, 'yeah I had a good night last night', 'oh sure, i've got plans for the weekends, can't wait'.

I'm so selfish that i would rather pretend to be someone else and lie to have some sort of social life, either at work or the odd Friday night out (thank you, mum, for babysitting all those times). I spent a long time at home alone, with no freinds, no company, nothing to do except become absorbed by my own saddness. I know that you might i've taken a big step by getting to know people at work and socialising with them, but i still feel like a fraud. If they knew the whole truth, they wouldn't like me any more. It's better to put on an act. It's easy at work, because of the type of work i do (that's another story tho).

I don't have any friends outside of work - except Suzanne who has known me since i was 12 (18 years, wow!) But i cut her out of my life more and more these days and have been doing that over the last few years - scared that if she knows too much she won't like me any more, or i'd just be too much for her i'd bring her down too. So in that sense, i guess i'm not selfish, i'm protecting her from me.

I slept in for work yesterday morning. I should start at 8.30, i didn't get in until 10. I just couldn't make myself wake up properly. And again this morning, but i was only 10 mins late today, but still bloody late! I hate myself for that. I'm letting everyone at work down by being late, plus i get so flustered about it, i start the day off badly so the rest of the day sucks. My boss is cool about it tho. Thankfully. She says 'i remember what it's like having a toddler running around in the morning' She thinks it's because of gorgeous wee girl that I'm sometimes late. It doesn't occur to my boss that i'm late because just so bloody lazy.

I have a friend at work who i've become quite close to - we'd have a night out quite regularily. But she met someone and is dating a really great guy now - i am happy for her, but don't see her as much as before, hardly ever outside work to be honest. That just reinforces my belief that i'm not a likeable person or a good friend. She would still make time for me otherwise. Wouldn't she?

I've been seeing a guy too, that i just met in December. He seems great, i do like him, but as soon as things started to get 'serious' and i thought 'he's starting to like me', i put up the barriers and cooled things off - if he realy gets to know me, he wouldn't be so keen anyway. He lives in another city so we don't see each other often anyway.

Tomorrow i must, must, must get to work on time. I'm going to turn up the volume on my alarm and hope that works. I wish i wasn't so tired all the time. I wish i wasn't so sad at nights. I wish my days could start off well and just go on and on and not end so i could feel something, all the time. I wish i could stop crying. I thought i wouldn't cry like this anymore, when i started taking meds - but the last couple of weeks, the tears have started coming again.

Sorry if you've read all the way down here and i've bored you. I don't want to make excuses but i've never really spoken to anyone about any of my deepest feelings or my depression so i seem to be rambling on a bit and not really being specific. I'm just typing it as it pops into my head. I'll go now tho. Cup of tea, I think, and a tissue.

Thanx, and sorry again.

P x