For the record,

I have the confidence to approach my CEO with solutions and ideas for improvement. They are good ideas that would make our team and company far more competitive. I have the confidence to take on a leadership role, either in my own company or elsewhere. And I have the confidence to lead a team of men as the only female.

Since my CEO DID mention I could lead a team in our company OR elsewhere, I take the more positive spin on that. He has told me many times how much he really likes me, as a person and as an employee. He used to chit chat with me all the time and casually drop by my desk... he wouldn't chit chat with anyone else on my team, but he would chat with me pretty frequently. Now that I've moved my desk, we don't chat anymore.

But bottom line is: He wants to know that I am committed to the company, because previously, that was a little bit in question. I reassured him that I am committed to my job. He said, "I hope that is sincere", and I reassured him it is sincere. He knows I get excited and passionate about what I do. He sees that in me, and I expressed to him my enthusiasm. He sees great value in me, and has told me this directly.

I feel that conversation is an excellent sequey to a follow up conversation that I can now initiate. He told me at our Company Christmas party just recently that we should talk more and continue talking about this. So I feel I can take the initiative on that.

But my own therapist discouraged me. My parents discouraged me as a child and squashed my confidence. I've spent my whole life building up my confidence through individual therapy and through my life and work experiences. I've worked really hard to get to where I am. REALLY hard. And I do still struggle with my confidence at times, but I feel very confident that I could help improve my company and retain business better.

Just 6 years ago, I was in a support role earning very little money. I worked extremely hard to improve my skill set, through individual studies and professional development courses, in order to rise in position and salary. And I did it. I made it. And I am very proud of myself for that accomplishment. And now I feel ready to lead a team. I have led and managed a team before. I've been in a Director level position previously, managing 7 people and their workloads, reporting myself to the Company CEO. I know how to manage and lead a team.

What I came here for was a cheering squad. That's what I had wanted and hoped for. I need to be cheered on because lord knows my crappy, more passive therapist hasn't cheered me on, and I wasn't encouraged in my childhood. I am flying solo in my struggles with all of this...

And maybe that's the point -- is for me to continue to fly solo, believing in myself as much as I do and to ignore any and all naysayers. Lord knows there's plenty of people who want to be more negative and tell people they cannot accomplish what they want to accomplish, because of their own fears and insecurities. And that's my therapist. She is fearful, and I can see that in her.

So I will ignore the naysayers and will continue on my path, with complete confidence in myself and my abilities. Maybe that's the golden lesson.