I don't talk about my illness to anyone except my doctor.

My wife asks about stuff, but I don't tell her details and I definitely don't tell her about my experiences when I was very sick. Partly I am ashamed and partly I don't want to scare/worry her.

I am still myself, I act how I do, I say what I think, I get episodes sometimes, but in terms of what is actually going on in my head when I am sick I keep very vague to the people around me. I don't think it is that I am afraid that people will turn away from me, or that I am burdening someone if I tell them, but rather that it is my mind, it is my sickness, it is my sh** to worry about.

I have always been an introvert, but have developed extroversion as a type of learned skill - even still I can only keep it up for so long. I always want to leave things early (parties, gatherings, etc.)

I have kept a thought journal for about 20 years now. I write so sloppily that no one can read them - not even myself. It lets me get sh** out and then not worry about it anymore. It also allows me to reflect on my thoughts as they come out and come to realizations that I would not have if not for writing, as well as just emptying my mind. It is my form of mediation - except the exact opposite - I don't try to not have any thoughts - I try to have as many as possible. I throw the books out every once in awhile, but do keep them for a bit, just as a reminder as how far I have come as a person. Now I have about 10 on my shelf.

I have lost all my friends over time and now only have family. I grew up moving all the time (My father was a JAG Colonel in the US Army and then when I dropped out of college the first time I enlisted) so I am used to losing friends. The thing is I can't be bothered with having friends anymore anyways. I have my studio/office in our basement and just work on my sh** (I produce music and have a couple online radio shows that I mix on as well as painting and drawing). I don't want to have to think about meeting someone or hanging out. I even tell my wife a lot that I can't be bothered to go to her parent's or sister's house.

I do agree that abandonment is not a fun thing. I was adopted at birth and then when I was 4, my adopted mother died of cancer. Both have effected me greatly. Growing up, my step family was horrible to me and when my adopted father died 11 years ago, the family was torn into the steps and my sister and I (who was also adopted, but not by blood) I hate my step siblings and their kids, but feel an obligation to keep up with my step mother out of respect for my father. The only real person I would call a friend is my dad's best friend from the Army - he lives in Indiana and we talk on the phone about once a week, but even then I don't always answer when he calls and have to call him back at a time I feel I am able to talk. It keeps us both close to my dad and his memory.

I am very emotional and was not before my father passed. I cry a lot at stupid sh** like movies and such. I am going to visit my parent's grave later this month. They have a joint grave at West Point. I have written a letter and have a song to play. I told my wife I need time to myself. I hope I can get all this pent up sorrow out and be less emotional going forward.

I guess what I am trying to convey in this mess of thoughts is that you should just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You only have one life and if you can't live it on your own terms, who are you living it for?