I'm sorry that you're struggling with such low self-esteem right now. You're doing the right thing in reaching out here.

In my view, STIs are not battle scars to be worn with pride. They're more like scars on a wildlife rehabber or animal control officer, marks of inexpertise and clumsiness. But with such a culture of sexual aggression, their perspectives would certainly be different from mine.

That relentless barrage of insults has certainly trained you to view being single as a personal failing, even though it isn't. What you've experienced from the men in your family is not at all uncommon. thanks to the brave and selfless work of generations of feminists, it's now more acceptable for women to behave in ways that are not traditional, though of course we still have a VERY long way to go. But the campaign to challenge toxic masculinity is still in its infancy, and men who behave in ways not traditionally masculine face very real consequences in every sphere of their lives. Toxic masculinity is as damaging to men as it is to women, and certainly to the gender nonbinary.

Depression is like a black hole and once you slip past the event horizon it feels so hard to get out again. I've been there before so many times, and was hospitalized 3 times. So many people here know exactly how you feel because we've felt the same. It changes the way you think as well as the way you feel, and it can seem that nothing will change. But the only constant in the universe is change.

Narcissist are natural-born actors, wearing masks and changing them as needed, because once the mask is removed, there just isn't much there. It hurts to have no friends and no partner (I'm in that situation too) but please don't focus on it. I know how hard that is, because part of what pain does is ensure that you'll have a hard time focusing on anything else. Please keep in mind that your difficulties are not a reflection of your worth as a human being. Hearing toxic messages from others, especially when they align with the negative voices in our own heads, can drag us over the edge of that event horizon. I urge you to find a way to shield yourself until you can leave for your studies.

You aren't a failure because you're single. And you can't expect yourself to concentrate when you're so depressed, anxious, and stressed. Those things eat up mental resources like a 50-year-old refrigerator sucking up electricity.

One of the self-compassion exercises, and Guy Winch in the TED talk, state that how we talk to ourselves can be nothing short of abusive. A lot of us have been trained to think that way. Breaking that pattern takes practice but it can be done. Most of us would never talk to someone else the way we talk to ourselves. That exercise teaches us to talk to ourselves the way we'd talk to a friend who is struggling. It makes a big difference, trust me.