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Originally Posted by BirdDancer
Thank you so much, fern! I really appreciate what you have written and shared, and a few things really have me thinking...in a positive way. I also experience (or have) much of what you've written. Just as your journey seems to have been a very valuable one, despite the great pain that sparked part of it, so has mine. It's not over, though, is it? I guess the hope is that I will reach a type of "destination". I wonder if I should think of it that way?!?
Generally I am not a pessimistic person. The opposite. But with mood fluctuations I do sometimes fumble, lose steam, feel resigned to my situation. Steps forward are often followed by steps backwards. I have often dealt with great frustration in life, and yet I know I can also be a good self cheerleader, and that sometimes things do happen easily.
You mentioned the fear of risk. I can relate to that! I'm trying to build safety nets of various sorts, but the whole weaving process can seem so complex. I didn't always have such a fear of risk. In my youth, very few things held me back for long. The worst years of my illness changed things. Weakened my skin. My goal is to thicken it, little by little. I've made some progress.
I posted this thread because I know I need to work even on one ADL, let alone the other "usuals" that most people manage adequately. I know that ADL would improve if even one other thing improved, but it's a biggie. How do I create the spark that sets off a positive chain reaction? Take a chance! I signed up for a couple little things the other day.
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No, it most certainly isn't over. That's the exciting part about it. I see myself as constantly shifting to new destinations, or perhaps better put as constantly moving and growing. In a way, we can always be 'there' if the state of mind is such that you're always focused on the same goal of growth. In that kind of system steps backward aren't necessarily a negative. They are more like going back through something to learn it at deeper and deeper levels so that you can continue to evolve. It is the intent to learn and grow that makes the difference between a loop and a spiral.
You have a great ability to become self aware when you are stuck and then give yourself the push you need to get going again. I think that's an amazing quality to have!
I have spent the better part of my life fighting against percieved threats and weaving that safety net you mentioned. I am finally starting to see it weaves itself when I trust and follow my true path. I've wasted a lot of energy 'protecting' myself and all it ever really earned me was dysfunctional results.
That's a very intuitive and beautiful perspective on the spark you mentioned. I hope the things you are igniting turn out like you envision. Regardless, I know you are on an overall forward trajectory. I am inspired by your courage to try!
