I go to work in a few hours – I’ve slept on and off all day. I feel a little better than I have these past few days (probably from having some days off) but that really isn’t saying much. I know I’m just delaying the inevitable here, but I go for a second round of training (7 weeks) next week so I’m just trying to hold out until then. That’s 7 weeks I can handle for sure. I don’t know why I have such a hard time but it’s not getting easier – it doesn’t help I spent 95% of my time just anticipating.

I want to cut back on soda, but I’ve never successfully done it. I’ve tried in the past. I may switch to diet and see if that helps. I am normal weight but have a paunch from so much sugar intake. I have to start working on myself. General upkeep is hard enough, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sustain it, but I guess I’ll try. (Depression has hit hard and maybe a motivating factor will help me get out of it).

I have to pick up my last refill tomorrow – I can’t see the psychiatrist until February 26, so while I think I may need a tweak, I’m just gonna have to suffer through. I can’t stand to be awake but can’t sleep – I hate work but can’t afford not to be there… there is nothing right now in my life that I find pleasure in and it just sucks. I’ve mentioned before – I recognize I am depressed and I know this isn’t permanent (situation or feeling the same). I just have to weather it and it’s hard. I look in the mirror and I am reminded of all the things I hate in myself… this is also part of the reason I am now divorced. My “illness” was the issue. It’s not necessarily not true, at least in part. Wishful thinking has done little in ways of changing reality for me so I should just stop hoping for change when I can’t seem to do anything to bring it. It just won’t come without the effort, and I can’t put the effort in.