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It's very possible that your desire to punish this person for not appreciating all your effort stems from how that is what your father actually instilled in you. That is what he chose to do "punish" and he even hit you too. This tends to become a road block when it comes to "letting it go" after all, your father did not "let things go" if you did not measure up to what HE wanted from you.
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openeyes you hit all the nails on the head. I can clearly see how I would feel rage now at the situation because of my father's influence. I didn't really think about that part of the dynamic before. I know that I'm naturally a pretty great person and I don't like to see people hurt, which is why I feel bad about how I ended things, no matter how abusive she was. I basically kicked her out and cussed her every day over the phone for weeks until she eventually blocked me after coming for the last of her things. I felt horrible afterwards but then I started raging again because I felt stupid for feeling bad. After all, she deserved all that was coming to her right? I was trying to carry out my own karma. It's strange when you think about how much we carry our parents burdens and traumas. I carry my mother's people-pleasing and my father's anger. Both are heavy burdens that I am trying to shed.
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The other challenge you desribe here is how your personal reward ability is OFF. You struggle to function without some presence PUSHING you like your father did. This sets a person up to become a codependent which leads to relationships that are unrewarding and toxic for you. Then your only feeling a sense of safe when you are working and doing, that too is learned behavior that comes from your father.
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The whole reason I decided to do as much as I was doing is because I didn't feel like my life had any real purpose or direction so I was happy to support someone who knew what they wanted. I admired her drive because I wanted it so badly for myself. Then when it seemed like she lost her drive, I took on her dreams for myself and made them my own goals because I knew it would make her happy. That's wild.
During one of my rages after the breakup I told her she was exactly like my father. Funny enough, they hated each other and argued frequently. I guess because they saw themselves in each other. It makes sense. I tell myself would never do what I did for a man but I felt that because she was a woman, I could endure it because women should support women.
I can see how I would have repeated the patterns, even if I thought it was different.