Quote:
Perhaps it's better to remove the word revenge. Perhaps it's better to think about it as "overcoming" experiencing a toxic person by putting more effort into focusing on yourself more and doing things that make YOU happy.
I struggle with complex ptsd too and I know the anger that develops.
There tends to be a lot of cognitive disonance that presents with ptsd. In your case you have this resentment about her and you lack confidence in yourself at the same time. When the brain has these two dynamics happening, the frontal lobe struggles to move forward and engage.
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This also makes a lot of sense. In the times when I feel confident about myself, I am forgiving and I wish her the best. When I feel low, I want her to be in pain. The truth is that she is already in pain. Losing me will always be one of her greatest mistakes because I know that I am worthy. I think the part that makes me feel low is just how everyone flocks to her because of her 'music' (which btw, I co-wrote uncredited because she felt insecure about putting my name on them). It makes me want to scream and message every single person to tell them the truth so they know who she really is but then that would only make me seem desperate so I end up feeling stuck. It's difficult especially because of our many, many mutual friends who somehow seem to not care about my side, what's happening to me.
In speaking with her ex, who has now become a friend of mine, I found out that she has a tendency to spread awful rumours to make herself look good. This same ex let me know the truth about how things ended - because she is non-violent and G's story stopped making sense to me. G made herself out to be the victim of a fight standing up for herself when really she was the one who made the ex bleed. It worries me because I care a lot about my reputation. I know that it shouldn't matter to me what people think but I spent a lot of my life being bullied and the ex was bullied a lot by people who only heard G's side of the story.