Thank you for sharing the story of Mary Aster, I will have to do some reading up on her life. I understand the character development aspect of things, I've been slipping into personalities since I knew how to read and write. I made stories of princesses and dragons, of lives far better than my own so that I could disconnect from what was happening in my life. When I was admitted to the hospital they said I was hypomanic and speaking of my other personalities. I've done my best to step away from acknowledging other persons in my mind and try to live as a whole unit but it hasn't been the best solution. When I refuse to step into another character, it feels like my whole body is shutting down because no one else is there to continue coping, I won't let them. I've identified a distinctly masculine personality as well as a more sexual, feminine personality along with that of a child. I believe I may have been living as the child for the majority of the relationship, because of the similarity to my childhood.

A child who didn't deserve to play or rest and had to work to keep things together because survival depended on it. I had to be hypersensitive to my environment so I could avoid doing the wrong thing. I avoided singing because my father would complain about the noise. I discovered last year that I am not only a great songwriter but I can sing as well. So now I sing out loud whenever I am moved.

Now I am trying to create a healthier character to step into. She is much stronger than I have ever been and she can easily identify red flags or toxic traits. She speaks with love and still believes in love and the general goodness of other people. She won't allow herself to be treated poorly or give in to the mixed signals of those around her. She definitely doesn't try to anticipate people's needs or take responsibility for their emotions. She's looking out for herself while still being kind. I hope to eventually integrate this persona into my everyday personality.

@Have Hope thank you for your supportive words as well. I am doing my best to acknowledge the lessons in this experience, as expensive as they have been. I think despite all the money I've lost (which I am sure I will regain), my biggest loss is the total sense of safety in my own skin. I am living with the flashbacks and being triggered by simple things. I can't watch any scenes of violence against women without feeling extreme anxiety. It starts to feel like everything just happened and no time has passed.

I know that eventually I will be okay and time will heal these wounds. Right now it's difficult to focus on myself completely. I still feel the need to be taking care of someone or something other than myself (which I know is my codependency traits talking). It's a work in progress and I will get there someday.