I think that having VD is also a way that they can rub it in my face that I am a virgin and they are not. And even if not referring to me, they can use it as evidence that they get more sex than other people at the meetup group. But yes, it is similar to getting scars from accidents with wild animals than battle scars.

I grew up feeling like I had to be like a caveman, similar to my father. He is high-tempered, aggressive and often challenges people in person, i.e. shouting “The ***** you looking at?!” if someone looks at him too long. He has also admitted to having had numerous one-night stands when he was a teenager and in his 20s, something that I never did. Not that I ever had the chance in the first place even. In fact, I have three half-brothers because of this. He messed up and got women pregnant when he was young. That is why all three of my half-brothers are in their mid-40s. Having zero relationship and sexual experience at 30 means that he often sees me as a flawed loser who failed his masculine duties.
I suppose that since I heavily take after my mother, in that I am shy, reserved, timid, anxious, plus have Asperger’s and several anxiety disorders, all of which she has as well, that I never really got along with my father like with my mother. That is not to say that my mother lets people push her around—she does not take ***** from anyone and is quite outspoken. Similar to me right now as well, I guess.
Making relationships has been hard, and it does not help that I already have multiple problems. I feel like I never really relate here. My interests are on a different planet compared to others. My interests are deemed as weird or useless.

I am a very stoic, serious person who shows close to no emotion in terms of neither facial expression nor body language. I am essentially a stick figure with a poker face. However, when I have serious problems, I do sometimes cry. Like when I think about this issue. There are very few other issues that affect me more than this one. However, since I was a boy, my father often told me to shut up and stop crying. My mother did not really mind. I feel messed up internally and externally. Tears are in my eyes when I think about how much of a failure I feel, and in public this is not the best look. As if I did not already appear weird physically to other people without this.

It is a black hole. And I hope to not be hospitalised due to depression. I am already close to 2015 levels though, like back when I was 25-26. I think that what has happened is that the total collection of insults and negative comments has become internalised, and they keep repeating over and over in my head like a broken record.

I try to tell myself not think of myself as a failure due to being always single at this age, but it is like my brain provides evidence to prove the contrary. Then I end up stuck in this circular cycle.