Realities are mixing and blending with each other. Then I get clear and while I'm clear I panic. I panic so damn much. I'm panicking now, but it's because my reality was that of a nightmare only minutes ago and now I'm fine. I am safe. Until the next ******* transient episode and I might hurt myself again. Not self-harm, I just got surgery on my foot and I've kicked a couple times while in these states recently.

It's either reality and hell are both as real as the other, or "reality" becomes a foggy background scene while the horror unfolds before me. PTSD is what people say this is; and in truth, I can't say I disagree. However, the episodes don't stay grounded in pure trauma, hallucinations become more active at a point. Then it mixes and then I'm unreachable. I understand it's PTSD, but I suppose it scared me when a professional likened my symptoms to that of his schizophrenic patients -- stating my trauma had caused a similar state of psychosis. My depression has caused a kind of passive suicidality that's enough to cause health issues. It remains untreated, along with the psychosis.

I'm in ****ing hell. Thanks for letting me vent.