For some reason, right now I'm struggling with no contact. The 8th was her birthday and everyone kept posting pictures of her on social media and it INFURIATED me. Especially one picture that shows her somewhere she lied about even being. I don't have access to her at all except through email and I haven't responded since her last on on the 1st but I just sent three. Actually, I sent a formal email about 4 days ago about my intellectual property - which she hasn't responded to.

My chest aches and my mind is racing. I've bitten down all my fingernails even though I painstakingly, finally grew them out after 20 odd years of biting. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I know that this is the part of the addiction breaking pain I will have to endure but ... yeah. I have a gnawing headache now. I keep waiting for a response that I know won't come. I keep asking 'why me?' I keep raging.

Unfortunately, I have some important documents here for her that would be difficult if not near impossible to replace that I know she has to pick up. I could easily give them to my mom and tell her to pick them up at her workplace but for some reason I keep saying that she needs to grow a pair and come for them herself. I've only seen her twice since I came back home - once when she came to get more clothes and the second time when she came for the rest of them. Both times I was too angry to see anything but red so I wrapped my arms around myself and went to sleep. I know she's acting cowardly and my rage won't let it go.

I don't know what I expect her to do. Break down and admit everything was a lie? Tell me more lies? At this point and with all that I have uncovered, I doubt she could speak a word of truth. I don't know what my aim is. I'm conscious of the fact that what I am doing is pointless. I keep looking for closure that will never come. I'm still wearing the stupid engagement ring from an engagement that lasted less than a month because I broke things off. I wear it on my middle finger, telling myself that it's a reminder of the stupid s*** I've done so I don't do it again. Knowing that it's really me holding on to the only thing she's ever actually given me.

Her stove is still in my studio - even though I told her I would call a bailiff for it because it hasn't been fully paid. It was my money paying the bill anyways and I'm not interested in paying it anymore. The alternative is to allow her to actually get it back and at least have something to cook on if she finds somewhere to live.

This has been the longest, nastiest breakup I've ever had to endure. It's been a month now since I made the decision to end the relationship and it's as if I'm lowkey waiting for her to fight for me - but she isn't and it pisses me off. She says she loves me and will always love me, hoping for a chance to treat me better in the future because she knows what she did was wrong. As much as I know it's all a part of the game, a part of me really, really wants to believe it.