Today’s session was gruelling. R came in and sat down.
“I was going to ask how you are, but that doesn’t feel appropriate, so I think I am going to say nothing, and let you start.”

I began by saying that I felt awkward bringing so much new stuff up by email. R reassured me that I don’t need to feel awkward, and that life stuff happens.

“If you expect to continue on the same trajectory in counselling for weeks or months without interruption, that can be unrealistic. Life stuff happens, and dealing with the things that are like that [hand in front of face] is often the best way.”
I replied that Alex’s death had been the biggest thing over the break. I explained that I felt there had been a delay between the message being posted and my finding out, because I was responding to the initial post when I found out that Alex had died.
I went on to explain about another friend’s death in 2015, due to epilepsy. ‘I didn’t know until Kyle died that epilepsy could be fatal…it makes sense when you think about it logically.’
‘Unless you have that knowledge or experience, or know people with it, you wouldn’t.’
I mentioned that I didn’t think the seizure was ‘What…’

‘You don’t feel the need to know?’

‘I don’t feel as though I could cope with that information.’ I explained that my initial reaction to my friend’s post had been to think: ‘You know me, you know what I can handle…but then it became ‘This isn’t about you.’
I talked about my usual method of seeking support being ‘knock and run’.

‘At least there’s a knock.’

‘While you were away, Alex was a great source of support to me. I spent a lot of time talking to my friend Kat in Denmark, and I remember one night she said to me – ‘It’s late here, and I have to work in the morning, but if you need someone to talk to, Alex is a good listener.’ A couple of weeks later, I took her up on it. Now a lot of the people I would lean on are also grieving, and I want to be a support, but I can’t…’

I trailed off, and then said ‘I feel like a terrible person for needing support.’
‘If somebody came to you needing support, would you think they were a terrible person?’
‘No. I am more comfortable giving support than needing it.’

‘There is a difference – you just said you feel like a terrible person for needing support, but there is a difference between what we need and what we are comfortable with. You are more comfortable giving support, and you have the skills to do that.’
‘The Critic is piping up – “This isn’t about you!”’

‘This space is about you.’

‘The thing about this experience is that it has exposed…insufficiencies within my support system. How can I give support if I don’t know where mine is coming from?’

‘It’s a flow. I know what you are saying, and I can relate. I have always been more comfortable being a giver. Strong, capable R. That’s how people think of me, but there have been times where life has thrown stuff at me that I have had to say ‘I need some help.’
I talked about the challenge of watching Kat go through what I went through when Chris died, and wanting to help, but being told that she needs to be alone, and promises to let me know when she needs me.
R asked why I want to help, and I replied that it is likely more to do with wanting to help the version of myself that I couldn’t help when I was grieving.
Because of my detour about my other friend, we did not talk about everything on my list. I managed to flag up that I am bracing for the 15th.
‘I can feel it. Do you want a hand?’ I accepted.
‘At this time of year, I am just emotionally exhausted.’

R offered to guide me through some deep breathing together.

‘If you’re doing this again, or another time, remember you are doing the best you can. You are trying. Use the positive affirmations, or we can work on some more…’

As I continued to breathe, R continued to speak.

‘Nothing is permanent. Emotions, surges…they will pass.’

We talked about spending a session after the trigger dates on strategies to decompress.
‘I don’t want to use the word recover, because that sounds terrible.’

‘Recovery is a good word. As your therapist, it is my responsibility to ensure that I leave you in as safe a position as possible.’
R asked how I was feeling, and I could not answer.

‘Are you OK to leave it there?’

We set up for 10:00am next week.