I hope you find someone you can talk to about it, it sounds like that is really what you need and want to do. In doing research, I find (as a former healthcare professional and a person with difficulties) that over time you find what makes sense to you, what helps you to feel that you understand. There are many things we don't know, or that are not black and white or always of the same origin. It helps when you can, to talk with a doc/other who is open, who listens, and who responds to your needs. Diversion, unrelated activities also is helpful to stop ruminating, at least for a time. (((((big hug))))