No wonder you had to cut off from your father's side of the extended family if they all embraced that way of thinking. Am I correct in assuming they're all supporters of the giant orange?

One of the earliest ASD online support groups is called Wrong Planet. I looked at it several years ago and at that time it wasn't very active, but it might be different now if you care to look it up. You're in a place of raw, unrestrained id but you have deep intellectual interests. You won't fit in there and can't beat yourself up for that. It's great that you have that closeness and connection with your mom at least. Some people don't even have that.

The "boys don't cry" nonsense is one of the many harmful aspects of toxic masculinity. Emotion, and its expression, has no gender. Expressing emotion is doubly difficult for you with that kind of a father and family, and being on the spectrum. Added to that is being immersed in a culture that demands even greater over-the-top extroversion that most of the US. I really think that once you're in a different place, your views and feelings will change in a more positive direction.

That cycle is very hard to break and has swirled through my mind too. I'll again recommend the self-compassion website if you haven't had the chance to go through any of it yet. Some other things that have helped are journaling to get it out and immediately focusing on something else to prevent myself from ruminating over it, and working out to activate my mind and body together.

Please listen to the voices that uplift you, not the ones that drag you down. A lot of us have been trained to think badly of ourselves, but that cycle has to be broken. I know first-hand how hard that is. You have support here, Lundi.