Sorry, hit the wrong key and sent too quickly.

I've heard the "you're ugly" comments since my early childhood, and the wincing of photographers is objective confirmation. I know what I look like. It does affect me, but I focus on other things than my looks. I will look at your photo if you'd really like me to, but you certainly know ahead of time that I won't say anything negative to you.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with so much self-hatred. How much longer is it until you can leave that toxic area for your study abroad? Please try to hold out for that, and in the meantime, try to get more involved in your political work. The primary election is coming up soon for PA and the volunteer team is getting ready for it. Focusing on these bigger goals has really helped me, and I hope will for you too. I'm not sure when CA's primary/caucus is, or which you have.

You've received a lot of verbal and emotional abuse form a lot of people for most of your life. That takes a very long time to heal from, but first you have to take yourself away from it. It's like living through a war.

Your primary sounds like a good one. It is of course your decision alone, but it seems likely that she'd be understanding of what you're feeling right now and may be able to guide you to resources and places that might be able to help. These are all very serious thoughts and feelings, especially if you're wondering whether it's worth it to go on being here. I recommend being completely honest with her. She can't help you otherwise. Shame kills. Silence kills.

I really don't think it's a good idea to read articles like that when you're feeling so hurt and vulnerable and down on yourself. It's furthering the downward spiral. Please reach out to someone, whether it's your primary, your mom, or a hotline. I'll say it again: the world is much better with you in it. Your mom obviously thinks so. Take it from someone who made an attempt: it is not the way to go, and only causes further pain to everyone. That attempt is still my greatest regret. Light can follow darkness, even if you can't see right now.