I'm not sure whether to put this in coping with emotions or relationships.


I'm thinking about people. I'm thinking about friendships. I'm thinking about relationships. I'm thinking about how around some people I feel unworthy. Or like when I think of certain people, I feel bad, and sad, and unworthy, and like...I just wish there was no Facebook, because I want to unfriend them but then it would be awkward.


I think I should, and have a right, to spend time and give my attention only to people who treat me well and who are a good fit for me.


I have a friend who I am deciding not to call a friend anymore. It's a lot of little things. But mainly this person is not a good fit for me. Here's some behavior they've displayed. It's small but its bothered me: She's not really a close friend, and so when we get together, she always seems to brag about her life in a way that always makes me feel ******. Unless somethings going wrong for her, which then I feel sort of good, or like, useful, bc I can help, be supportive, etc. I know this is weird and wrong of me. But it's how I feel. I feel really ****** when she brags about her boyfriends. And how well things are going for her, without even realizing that things are going not well for me, and I don't even feel safe to tell her. I think she's just not a true friend. She's not a good match for me anymore. I met her in a knitting group. She's always been strange to me. Like how she describes our friendship: "you seemed like you wanted a connection." (it somehow sounds bad, though it's funny I thought that of her, and not in a bad way) and she says "I always get something out of our get togethers" which is an odd way of putting things in my opinion. It's not a transaction. Though I do feel flattered when she says that. Another thing.....I guess I don't always get something out of hanging out with her, and we rarely do, truth be told. She has like a million friends. I have only a few. We just aren't on the same page. Its funny, she's never invited me out to hang out with her and any of her friends. And at the yarn store she is an employee at, I have gone there before for classes and groups, and sometimes she acts like she doesn't really.....I get this vibe like she doesn't want people to know me and her are friends. She's part of a pyramid scheme which apparently isn't a pyramid scheme because its so popular and normal seeming, but it is. You have to sell makeup and products, and recruit people. Whatever that is. it's weird to me. But whatever, to each their own. Also she KNOWS that I am all about health at every size. I post about it on facebook a lot. I don't do diets. I believe that diets don't work. I believe in body positivity. She clearly doesn't. I've told her about it but it's her choice to think, feel and believe what she wants. What gets me is her dislike of her body, worry of fat, and she's smaller than me, which I just find distasteful to actually say to me.


All I have to do is not contact her, which is easy. She doesn't contact me, so it should be fine. Though she's always liking my stuff on FB. I may see her at the yarn store here or there, and she may say something stupid to me like "I've been so swamped, we should get together." But I could always say "I'M swamped, I'll let you know." And then not. These are just SOME of the things I don't like about how we've interacted. There's more, like the time we hung out and she was literally texting the whole time. I know this all sounds very superficial of me. But I'm venting. And I think she's just not a good fit for me. That's ok.


I don't know why I am so focused on HER. But I am. I've been feeling very disempowered lately, and disconnected. I may be going to school, and even my advisor, I get a VERY weird vibe from. He deeply stresses me out. Maybe I won't have to interact with him much. He set the ****ing tone though.


I just want to feel empowered and like I am worthy and cool and actually, I know that I am. But I've had a lot of bad experiences with people. And I'm not sure where I fit in with my community. Really not sure at all. Really, I've been hurt by many people in my community and I just don't want to....I just have a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not asking for suggestions. I've probably tried it and had a bad experience. Lol. At the same time, not everything sucks, and not everyone sucks. Maybe I should start there.


How do I tolerate people who make me feel bad, but also hold them at a distance? Often I really let unpleasant interactions get to me a LOT and then I ruminate about it forever. I carry it home with me, so to speak.


Also, there's no reason why I need to even think of this woman who I've decided is no longer a friend of mine. Yet I've been thinking about her a lot, in particular, I keep thinking about how her life is better than mine. She has a connected life, for instance. Lots of friends. Last we talked, which was like ****ing September, she had a boyfriend. I want to focus on ME. And doing my own work and not compare myself to others, while literally distancing myself. It's funny, I would, but my mind wants to flock to these negative thoughts like a moth to a flame.

Edit: also an actual friend of mine just texted me and asked if I want to talk on the phone. I totally don't. I feel like he can be a bit much. We talked earlier today. But I'm wondering if something's wrong with me too. I do a lot of times feel bored and disinterested at the thought of people. It's VERY weird. Because I know I need social connection. I get lonely!