I know for a fact that quite a few of them do. My father’s family have a very clear vision of how they think that males and females should behave. However, since my father is half Spanish, quite a lot of my father’s family are also supporters of the fascist ex-dictator of Spain, Francisco Franco, who was essentially Spain’s version of a mix of Hitler and Mussolini. Not much explanation is needed to see why I often could not get along with them. I think that I often was asked if I were asexual, or gay, or mentally ill, or retarded or whatever because I was unable to meet someone and have a girlfriend. Their views of people who they think are not like everyone else, such as gays or vegetarians/vegans are not favourable. I am not even going to repeat them here.

I think that WrongPlanet have more activity now. However, for some reason, especially on the Love and Dating section of that site, there are, how to say, quite a lot of arseholes who seem to get a kick out of making fun of others instead of answering questions of people who need serious advice. Not sure what their problem is.

I definitely hid any sort of crying or tears as a child with my father was around. Again, I was a bit odd in that I did not cry as much as other children. Even my mother said that as a baby, strangely I often did not cry that much, but rather had that blank facial expression that I usually do. But still, if I did feel like crying, I usually just held it in.

I have a souvenir journal from Europe, but I have not written in it for a while. I suppose that I just felt too down to write again. I can try it again, though. I will probably have to return to that self-compassion website. My mind is really scattered for the past week, and I cannot seem to remember simple things.

It is hard. I think that the passing of time and my 30th birthday three months ago plus the new year/new decade thing has affected me a lot. It couples with my fears that I feel like I will remain single year after year.

The hardest part is blocking thoughts about how this or that person did A or B and accomplished X or Y at a certain age, and I have not. Talking specifically about relationships, love, sex, etc. It is soul-crushing to even think for a second about how I have not experienced these things.

There is not much that I can do to change that—the past is done, my 20s are done, I cannot change the past. It is hard to look forward to the future, although it is my only option.

I am a bit calmer than yesterday, but still feeling unpleasant. My obsession with empiricism means that I need to see concrete evidence that things will definitely get better. But I suppose that life does not work that way. The uncertainty of the future always makes me fear the negative. Thinking over and over, “Will I be loved?” and going in circles even more. I think that what feeds the uncertainty is the fact that it has insofar never happened.