I don't know how to explain it.

Although my family never pushed me to study hard, since I was 5 years old, I have been an extremely ambitious person, unhealthily focused on one feature - intelligence. I used to boast about my skills, unable to see that some people could dislike it. When I skipped the second grade, I didn't even have to start talking about my achievements - the teacher made the class hate me and I had been bullied for four years. In primary school I used to be very nervous before each exam or competition. I made silly mistakes, suffered from stomachache, couldn't focus. We had four attempts for mock exams in the last grade - at the first time I got 35 out of 40, what made me so stressed that next time I scored only 28, then 26. Calmed down I managed to score 39 at the last attempt, losing one point due to ugly writing.


As a kid I used to be very talkative and aproachable, liked making new relationships etc. It has changed and I don't know wheter it is a matter of my personality or the result of being bullied. I am not scared of humans, just don't enjoy spending time with them and prefer solitude or a chat with the closest people.


When I was fourteen, my father left my family, taking the whole money and contacting me once a three months for one hours or something like that. Due to poverty I started to work a bit, saw my remaining family suffer, hurt them myself and started to push away all what made me. Now I struggle to graduate but my results are that terrible that I am ashamed of myself.


I don't know if I always was to blank and empty, but right now I don't even see myself as a human being - just a machine, a tool. I don't know who I am and what do I feel, I can tell that I am probably stressed because I feel dizzy. I have outbursts when I shout or cry, although I don't feel sadness or anger (although I think that the anger is the source of it). The only emotions I feel are shame and feeling of control or lack of it. I don't panick, don't feel anxious, am not afraid of anything (besides lack of success, what mades me worried). I noticed that I almost compeletely lack affective empathy even towards well-known people but there is a strong outweight on the opposite side - I have strong feeling of duty or responsibility, forcing me to help people even if it is exhausting. I think that I like the feeling that these people are somehow dependend on me, though, I guess. I hope it doesn't make a horrible person out of me.


I have been trying various therapies for four years and no one helped me. I only heard that my way of thinking was stupid, that they didn't know how to help me or that life gave me important lessons. I visited eleven specialists and feel no better.

Recently I have been diagnosed with dissociative disorders because I started to have up to five faints and seizures a day. I heard that I was over-intellectualized, that I didn't let emotions in, had trust issues and survived huge trauma. They suggested autism, but I don't belong in the spectrum - was diagnosed long time ago as a healthy child. I have been suffering from OCD since I was four or five, but this thing could be a kind of dissociations, too.


I was trying to self-diagnose myself with mixed personality disorder - OCPD + NPD + AvPD, but I don't know if it was correct and my therapists only said it was "possible but not for sure". One of them advised me making more plans - it sounds like a trees genocide, using so much paper for that because I already plan and sort everything everywhere. They also advised me to enjoy life and spend more time on fun things, which also wouldn't work... I already spend much time doing what I like doing. Especially because last year I spend 80 hours a weei outdoors. It gives 12 h 20 m a day remaining (including weekends) for sleeping, eating, having a shower and studying.


Now the main problem.

The seizures and faints are over, beacause my brain knows that I have no epilepsy and feel deeply ashamed that some people could think that I am hysterical - I hate, hate, hate this word. Although, for many years I have been suffering from derealisation-depersonalisation disorder. As a writer, I also spend much time separating from myself to get in my characters' shoes. It happens even if I focus on doing important tasks. All my life plans are like creating a likable character our of me, trying to set me in interesting plots, far away from this boring life. I can't wake up in the morning because I want to dream further - I can even set the alarm clock once a ten minutes for four or five hours, turn it off and dream further. Due to this I am late everywhere and don't have time to finish anything. I spend around 85% of the day, including sleep, "out of myself". Some time ago I had a psychosis attack (no schizophrenia, diagnosed), so I wonder - maybe I am inside of a wrecked dream, maybe nothing is happening in real. I want to get lost in a non-existing world. That all has a bad influence on my life.


Some time ago I watched "The Inception" for the first time. I think that you can imagine how much I related.

Please, could someone tell me what to do? Are these the dissociative disorder, hysteria, something else? I am during therapy now but I am worried that it won't help me again. I feel worse and worse. I don't even know if I explained it all correctly.