A lot are Catholic too. Kind of strange since I thought that Catholicism teaches empathy for the misfortunate, the sick, the poor, etc. But like Franco, who was ultra-Catholic himself, hypocrisy reigns.

That makes sense. I usually write in the first-person in my journal, but I could switch to the third person to act like someone giving advice to myself. I do feel like I were the only one sometimes, but I suppose that getting “tunnel vision” and thinking that no one else has this problem is a fallacy. Perhaps because of the crowd here, most people do not have my problem, or are too ashamed to admit it. But since I have seen and heard so many negative comments, I built this up in my brain that I am just so weird that everyone else is ahead of me in this respect. I forget to think about others who may be going through the same thing.

That comparing myself with others has often destroyed me in many ways. Sometimes it feels like almost a reflex in my case. Like my brain defaults to this a lot. It is true that others did not have exactly my combination of experiences. A lot had good luck in some way too. When I think of all of the things that happened to me since childhood, perhaps it is true to say that many guys would end up single and virgins at my age as well if they were in my situation. It still hurts, though.

I think that since I always am close to addicted to seeing evidence, doubt fills me quickly. If I am told something and do not see evidence, I tend to get nervous and then wonder if A or B is true in the first place. But I am also impatient sometimes, I forget to be patient and wait. The future is uncertain, and by definition nothing is 100% sure except pure mathematics and science in a vacuum. Like when my mother tells me that she is sure that I can find a girlfriend, not here but elsewhere, I think now, is it true. I am stuck here for the time being, so I keep thinking, how long must I wait before luck turns in my favour. I get nervous from my impatience. I keep thinking, “When will I met her?” and then I fall into depressive states because I start ruminating about who, where, when, etc. I guess that the time that I spent single up to now just added additional anxiety. Maybe I just need to relax and follow my own timeline. It is not easy at all though.