I am an adolescent who still lives at home with my parents and am not at the legal age to move out. I have been using marijuana to self medicate on a daily basis for the past six months. Although not the most healthy coping method, it is the most effective thing I have found even after four years of therapy. Saturday night, my parent's drug tested me. Their response to this was to ground me for a month and take my phone for a week.

This is where it started, something in me snapped. I absolutely lost my ***** and began to have a breakdown. I was taken over by a physical feeling as if every part of my body was telling me I needed to hurt someone or myself. I went upstairs to look for my parents. My whole intent was to hurt them as much as they hurt me.

When I couldn't find my mother, I walked onto my porch in the rain and sobbed while laughing, cackling. I was drenched and still laughing when my mom came home. As soon as she was out of the car, I started screaming. I said terrible, terrible things, most of which I don't regret. I just wanted her to know how much she had hurt me. I wanted to make my parents regret it.

I went psycho on my parents. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, saying I hated them, that once I was 18 they were losing me for good, that they were destroying any chance of ever having a relationship with me, and I am fully aware that this is toxic and manipulative behavior, and yet I couldn't stop myself. I was just so filled with hatred and betrayal.

Over the past few days, the anger has just grown. It's getting difficult to lash out and punch walls or even the people around me. I've pushed most of my friends away and I have been keeping myself persistently intoxicated because anytime I'm not, I have a severe breakdown.

I have been seeing and talking to my therapist a lot and that hasn't been as helpful as I need. I know none of you have the answer but if anyone could give me some insight or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. I hate who I am turning into. I feel like such a slave to my emotions and it's so hard to keep myself alive. My parents know about the severity of my mental state but they haven't taken many actions around it.

A few nights ago, I came upstairs completely tearstained. My makeup was smeared and I looked very unstable. My parents both saw me and didn't say a word. I made myself dinner and did my chores and we didn't make eye contact. We haven't said more than a few words to each other in the past five days.

I'm scared because I don't want to stop smoking because it has had a genuine impact on me and has helped me be happier and treat myself better. I am terrified of losing that. But my parents are drug testing me regularly and they'll take my room if it's positive again. Everything is just such a mess.

Thanks