Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche
I definitely think if you lower your expectations but keep your standards where they are (high) then you will easily weed out the 'wrong' types of people whom you go to for guidance or support or friendship.
I think you should lower your own standards of yourself, because you are smart and know that perfectionism is the death knell to happiness. Perfectionism is when a person strives for high standards for themselves or others, despite the negative consequences. And there are always negative consequences with perfectionism.
For example, I used to think my value was only in what I could give to people. That's the pattern my perfectionistic and overbearing mother set for my siblings and myself. We were not taught that our value and self-esteem is internal. We were taught that our value and self-esteem were created externally. The whole reward and punishment system of discipline.
So, I grew up with this toxic-belief that my self-esteem and value came from feedback given to me by others based on how well I performed for others. That is one form of perfectionism. I would offer to do things for people hoping that would make them like me. I did that in kindergarten, elementary school, high school, college, and all of my adulthood. Do you know how long it took me to finally see that the people who liked me for doing things for them, didn't really want a real friendship from me.
A long time. Failed friendship after failed friendship. Failed romantic relationships. I basically wore my low-self esteem like a Prada label for everyone to see. So, the advantage takers used me, and the healthy people avoided me. I was like a thrift shop friend. I came used. Nobody wants to take that on. I know I don't. As terrible as it sounds. But I did. I took on thrifted friendships and romantic relationships, thinking if I helped them in some way, they'd like me for me. Never happened.
Had I prioritized myself (not in a self-serving way) and my needs over other people's, my life would look 100% different today. So, perfectionism if left unchecked, can literally ruin our own lives. We can't blame anyone else for it, because it's own our misguided projection that colors the way we interact with the world. No one is devoid of perfectionism. We all have it. |
Thanks, Blanche!
Yeah, I can see that my standards for myself are far too high, and that when I fall short of my own expectations, I get really really down on myself, in an unproductive way that is not good for my mental health and self esteem.
Seesaw pointed this out to me, and I see it very clearly now.
I wish I had a therapist right now, but I'm in between. I could really use some therapy over it... and for many issues I face for that matter. I've got to figure out how to allow myself to simply be human, a human who makes mistakes.
I never gave of myself in the way you're describing, but I've had self esteem issues that I've battled all of my life. It's a constant learning and growing process. I was very shy when I was young and walked in my sister's shadow. I didn't come unto my own until early adulthood, and that's when I finally gained greater self assurance... around the age of 18. But before that, I was in my sister's shadow, always wanting to be just like HER, and not ME.
Sounds like you're very self aware. That's amazing. I'm sure you've grown and learned a lot about people and relationships since then. Just be yourself.... always. and the right people will like you... the ones that are your kind of people, who click the best with you. That's what I've learned. HUGS