Feeling kinda blue today. A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. I've started my new training which will last 7 weeks. It is a break from the anxiety inducing work I have to do, so I am grateful for that. A new position opened recently in the internal job postings, which believe it or not, I qualify for (The job will be available a week or so after I finish training). I went ahead and applied and updated my resume and wrote a cover letter explaining in part my situation (I have the requirements met, but technically I am kind of still a new hire) and of course selling myself shamelessly haha. I don't know if I'll get the job, but I would be so thrilled if it were to happen. My hopes are finding a job in my field though, so this is really contingency plan B. However, I'm wondering if I should really be doing this... at the risk of sounding pompous and conceited, I am well overqualified for the position that I only want as a plan B -- and I have a huge leg up based on my level of education and field of study. I could potentially take the position away from someone who truly wishes to stay with the company and move up and deservedly so. Now don't get me wrong -- this is a position I want, but I am afraid I'm really pushing someone out who deserves it more than I do. I just want to get out of the production floor and into my element. I may retract my application, I haven't been there very long and well, others deserve it more than me, enough said.

In the process of updating my resume and things I came across some old first year teaching and college work along with some photos of myself. I didn't recognize me anymore. That person doesn't exist anymore. The person who wrote those papers and lesson plans and assessments.... he is gone. I am so disappointed in myself. I worked very hard in college and my first few years of teaching. I had so much potential and now I am here. I've lost ambition and talent, to be sure -- but just overall demeanor. I don't even hold myself the same anymore. I know we all change over time but this is detrimental change and painful to look at where I am now and the lows I've hit along this path. I feel lost and sad. I just can't accept or believe this. I don't have the motivation or skill anymore to do what I used to. What was is now gone, and what is left going forward, pales in comparison.

I cried today. I just hate to look in the mirror and see who is there. Physically I am worse for wear and heavier too, mentally I am weak and frail and emotionally I'm an absolute mess. I know it's stupid to expect positive change without putting effort into doing it.. but I just don't see the point anymore, it's too far gone. I will never recover. Moments of hope flicker and disappear in terms of employment, happiness, relationships, family... but in the end I'm still where I am.

That's all I really got to say. Just to be clear I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. Please don't misconstrue my sentiments here -- it's sadness, remorse and self loathing, but I have no want to harm myself or anyone else.