My Support Forums - View Single Post - Friend's extremely angry reaction to coworker dating someone else

sarahsweets · Jan 16, 2020 at 05:25 AM

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Recently a friend started liking a coworker and it seemed like the coworker liked her back. But then they decided to be just friends first but she still really liked him. Then not long ago, the guy she liked started dating another coworker who she can't stand. Ever since then, she has been filled with rage and feels downright betrayed and rejected. I can understand feeling rejected, I know what it's like.

How good of a friend is this person? Are you also a coworker or is this friend working somewhere else and you are just listening to their issues?

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I've never been in a relationship but I've still be rejected by people who I thought were friends. But my friend is so angry to the point where that's all she talks about and even states that she is tempted to make his life, as well as her coworker's life, miserable by ignoring them and shouting at them if they even dare talk to her. She goes between being extremely angry and vindictive to being very sad.

I urge you to use caution in this relationship. People that are vindictive and hold grudges to the extreme are often not that far away from being vindictive or grudge holding with their friends. I do not mean to insult you on your choice of friends or anything its just that vindictive people are often vindictive across the board depending on the situation of course.

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She doesn't have bipolar, she has ADHD, but the way she's acting almost make it seem like she's bipolar or has borderline personality disorder. She's filled with absolute hate towards both of them and always says how dare he decide to date her coworker after he made it seem like he liked my friend. Yes, he probably did reject her, but they did state that they were going to be just friends so I don't think he is completely in the wrong other than possibly accidentally giving her false hope, which she claims he did. I can see how this can be perceived as rejection or betrayal, but they did agree to be just friends.

I also urge you not to try and diagnose your friend (not that you are) or liken the issues to mental illness. As someone with bipolar I can tell you that being vindictive is not a symptom. I also have adhd and being vindictive and holding grudges is also not a symptom.

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Do you think my friend is taking it too far? Do you think she's getting way angrier than necessary? Sometimes her anger almost seems way out of control and way more extreme than necessary. I wish there was a way to calm her down. Is there any suggestions to calm her down? I totally understand how she may feel hurt, but I think she is getting a little too worked up. Rejection hurts, but the reason I feel like she is getting too mad is because she did say that they decided to be just friends.

TBH I think you are in a dangerous position. First, I do not believe it is your job to calm her down or solve the issue. I think it puts you in a spot of being the target of her vindictiveness when your advice isnt good enough or if she feels you are not loyal. I can see her turning on you and hurting you by lashing out. She seems like someone who could see you as disloyal if you do not agree with her or give her advice she doesnt like. How close are you with this person?

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So honestly, he is free to date whoever he wants. She doesn't even want to be friends with him because she says that real friends don't do stuff like that. This is also why I think it's a bad idea to try to date coworkers. It leads to awkwardness in the workplace and she told multiple coworkers and even a couple of her managers about it and she claims that they appear to be acting distant after they tried giving her peace of mind.

So she agreed to be friends with this guy...then was upset and angry hes dating someone else and has talked about it and told other coworkers and managers about her personal problems with another coworker? I see red flags. I think if you worked with her you would be wrapped up in this problem. If I had a friend who acted this way with other people I would not want to be friends with that person because that type of anger is toxic. It sounds like a lot of work to maintain a friendship and it sounds like she could easily get upset by your perceived defense of the coworker or perceived lack of support and try coming after you.

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I don't think she realizes how she could easily be causing more harm than good. I did tell her from now on, she shouldn't try to date coworkers but I don't think she really listened. Any reasons someone would act this way other than feeling rejected? Like I said, I totally understand the hurt, but I think being so angry all the time to the point where she won't let it go, says horrible things about them, and tells everyone else at her work about it is going a bit too far.

Like I said red flags are what I see, and I think you need to distance and protect yourself.

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Even though she only has ADHD, the amount of anger and dislike she has towards others who do this makes me think something else is up that I don't know about. She does have the tendency to get extremely angry and vindictive at any perceived rejection. It's to the point where she can't let it go and everything else from appetite to sleep is affected. From what she has told me, it sounds like she is already pushing others away by how much she talks about them and gets angry. No one wants to deal with drama in the work place so it's likely they are starting to pull away. If anything, it just makes her seem very jealous even though she claims she's not anymore. She most likely still is. She needs to calm down. I am always there for her, and she knows that. But at the same time, I do wish she would calm down before she causes more harm than good.

I think you need to ignore the adhd and stop trying to look for explanations for her behavior and take it for what it is- unprofessional, vindictive and dangerous.

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Like I said, I totally understand how it feels to be rejected. I have been through lots of pain and rejection. But I never ever went as far as to actively seek revenge and talk about someone in such a way non-stop to the point where other people around me started to pull away. Yes, I have complained before to others, but I know when to stop and I never act in a vindictive manner. Also, one of the coworkers she goes to advice for is only 16, while my friend is 26. I think she is receiving advice from someone who is way too young and may even have an immature mindset, giving how young she is. I think that's a bit weird in my opinion, but that is just me. She should seek advice only from those closer to her age. I do feel like she may be hiding something with her extreme anger. Just wondered if anyone else has dealt with this kind of behavior and how they handled it.

The fact that she gets advice and maintains a relationship with a 16 year old is very demonstrative of what her mentality is. How close are you? I really feel like this is a bad relationship for you. I dont mean to offend you I come from a place of concern. People like that can easily turn on other friends and its not healthy. There is no way to justify her anger and behavior as understandable or safe.