I posted in the daily check in thread, but I want to create my own thread on this issue too.

So I feel like I am in an AA meeting for the first time, admitting that I have an eating disorder.

It's been alive on and off for years. It was active for 7 years when I was a teen and young adult. Then it suddenly stopped all on its own and I was fine for many years. Then it resurfaced in my later adulthood years, and it's been active for about 8 years now.

I am working on my recovery, on my own. It's my little secret though. NO ONE IRL knows, and I want to keep it that way. I am far too ashamed. It healed once, so I have faith it will heal again.

I am working on emotional regulation and emotional awareness each and every day so that I don't slip back into the habit of emotional eating. I am working on adopting healthier coping and stress management skills.

I have another thread in another forum to track my daily or weekly emotion coping skills.

I am dieting and I also have BDD (I think). I have been obsessive about my weight and about how my body looks almost all of my life. But I've also always been thin, and now I am heavier.

I am dieting now because I gained 15 pounds, I don't like the way I feel, I no longer feel or look as sexy and cute as I used to, and it REALLY bothers me.

I am trying to be healthy about this though. I am not crazy dieting, and I'm not being obsessive; I am taking it slowly. I am going to start exercising. I am not weighing myself every day; I will weigh myself once a week to see my progress. I am not obsessing in front of mirrors. I am being healthy about this, I do believe.

I really want my life and my health back.

Admitting I have a disorder feels so very shameful to admit... but I feel OK admitting it here to strangers who can relate and who also deal with this issue.

I am also fairly certain that I am not the only one here who keeps this secret from everyone else and who doesn't want official "treatment" because it lets the cat out of the bag.

That's the very last thing I want. My husband would probably leave me if he found out. So I haven't told him. No one knows. And like I said, I want to keep it that way. If you respond to this post, please please please don't tell me to seek treatment and please respect my wishes for dealing with it myself. Thank you.

I feel this is the first step towards true recovery. Admitting it, then working on it . daily.

Oops, mods, please move if needed. Thanks!