Hi everyone,

I really don't know where to begin with this as its such a complex issue that has come to a head now after many years. I've been suffering from 'Pure' OCD since my early twenties. I have posted several lengthy posts in the past about it in the 'OCD' forum.

However, since mid December it has become something else. I started with a new medication Mirtazapine' last September after being on Citalopram for around 9 years. I was doing well on it to begin with and then I started to feel more paranoid and anxious around November, this then led to me not being able to sleep on it in mid December. It got to the point when I wasn't sleeping until 3/4am in the morning. I had a week off Mirtazapine and started sleeping better but got bad withdrawal symptoms so went back on a lower dose. The Insomnia returned with a vengeance (had a couple of literally sleepless nights). I then came off medication completely for a couple of weeks.

About two weeks ago now the Psychiatric doctor put me on Chlomipramine of which I took for a few days but had extremely bad Insomnia again so came off those and started on sleeping tablets (Zopiclone) which has helped me to sleep. In doing so my sex drive has gone and hasn't come back. The doctor has now put me back on Citalopram to lift my mood of which has been extremely low. To the point when I've googled suicide options!

I still live with my retired parents and have been jobless for 18months and don't have much social contact. I suffer from false memory syndrome also (i.e thinking people have been in house when they haven't etc) and have to film myself out in public. When I am tired this gets worse so as you can imagine its become a vicious cycle where I've barely left the house on my own since mid December. I am scared of being on my own at the age of 36.

Suffering from chronic Insomnia has left me very ill along with the depression. My parents were due to go away to Tenerife on Wednesday but because of the situation and my health me and my Dad are back home and my Mum has gone on to stay with friends in Tenerife. This in turn has left me feeling horrendously guilty, more depressed and worried for my mum even tho she says she can look after herself and is with friends. My Dad doesn't seem that bothered about Tenerife as they've been before but I'm tearing at myself that I've stolen time away from them.

As you can see my life is a little pants at the moment, I needed to get this off my chest and hope maybe something can come from it. I keep telling myself this isn't my fault but my OCD is crap.