Thank you for posting. I know it takes a lot to share such a private, confusing and painful experience. I experienced this when core trauma I had repressed since I was a child surfaced. I projected all of my fears onto my husband. I hallucinated. I can only recall portions of the experience. I know exactly how this feels and my heart is with you. I know the shame of this. You are not crazy and you are not alone.

I find it interesting you also experienced this in a way associated with water and the feeling of being underwater. For me, I described it as a dam that finally broke giving way to a flood. It was too much all at once. I have searched for meaning in that and there are many who say water is a symbol for the unconscious mind. We often dissociate when we experience trauma, but our subconscious sees all. I feel like the water is a sign that our subconscious mind wants us to pay attention to what it has held onto for us in our memory until we can process it. I refused and my subconscious took over.

I was initially very fearful to explore the events that led to my psychosis and hallucinating. I am trying to process them now bit by bit and I feel more and more whole as I go. They are a part of me and I cannot simply let it go. Ignoring it is no longer an option and it was tearing me apart. It led me to unhealthy choices. I have learned I can integrate the experiences and view them with a wider and more loving and forgiving perspective. This is helping me to heal what was broken. It still comes up and it is incredibly painful. I still feel fear and anxiety. However, I am now more consciously aware of why it is happening and I can greet the experience and step through it with the balance that comes from loving and accepting myself fully. Even the darkest, scariest, most broken and shameful parts.

I hope you are able to find some balance and peace soon. Much love to you.