messed up... panic attack at choir tonight after just too much to deal with this week...(and it's only tuesday). Feels longer. had a mini rehearsal before choir then when joining the main choir the panic hit hard. the decision to cut was made before i even got out of the bldg... to the car, got the razor, 10 cuts to stop bleeding before going back in and acting like everything's fine. was really emotional - called t afterward (per our contract, but couldn't call before hand, knew she wouldn't be there, knew i had to get in control fast to get through rehearsal). was crying on phone (new - t's never heard any emotion from me in 7 months).
no pain - so i know how far "out" i was and still am. see t tomorrow night and MD next week (another blood draw).

Today's sort of been the brunt of things - chose coffee and chocolate for lunch (I'm allowed neither), didn't have my lunch meds until dinner, tried to cut fingers with my car key when i was upset earlier today. tried to cut with broken pen cap when rehearsal first started. i kept thinking the 10 cuts came on suddenly, but really, there were warnings if i had looked.