Maybe it's not shame like I wondered, maybe it's anger and resentment instead. A sort of "I was here first, I should get more attention". Maybe it's the same kind of anger that happens when traffic is bad and you sit there waiting in line patiently and next thing you know someone comes along and cuts you off if they see an opening right in front of you, a little more space somehow and the person just takes it as if they are entitled.

I know that when my older brother was born my sister hated him, she hated how he appeared and the attention he got and her sense of control, perhaps before she even was able to know what that was, changed and she grew to hate it, was very angry about it. After all, she did try to kill him. Then I came along and I too was resented for her seeing me get something she lost control of "getting love and attention".

Perhaps part of the difference between myself and her is that her and my older brother were already there when I was little and for her, for a time she did not have to share. Four years older can make such a difference in that if there are younger children, the oldest child can be expected to take on more than that child is capable of taking on, which may include the mother's frustrations with keeping up with all the demands on her.

I do read what different individuals share when they share the childhood emotional neglect they experienced. The different things different individuals share when it comes to "unmet needs". I was too little to understand the kind of anger and resentment my sister had, yet, one thing I know is how it felt when she took this resentment out on me. She always had this "I have this and YOU can't have it" mentality about her. I DO remember her needing to be superior and knowing play with her always ment her needing all the control.

Truth is, my sister carried this anger and resentment and "being put out" the entire time we were growing up. She tended to have this ongoing resentment of counting what she saw others get that she did not have. My mother talked about how I was good natured and friendly and social and that my sister could not be that way and was jealous of me. Yes, sitting and thinking about it, my sister tended to need to be the one in control otherwise she would be mean and shun.

She never stole my things, I never remember her stealing. Perhaps she just stored up all her resentments and what she ended up doing was her way of punishing or finally taking whatever she felt she did not get. She always needed to control the holidays and anyone who challenged that was considered a threat. That part in her really NEVER changed. I stayed good natured about it just as I had when I was young and she always did a nice job, decorated nicely, set things up like the Martha Stewart she admired. Thing is, it's not that she cant do something nice, she is creative and talented. Instead it's always been her attitude and need for control where everyone has to play HER WAY. Someone said to me recently, "wow, that person is tough, but you seem to be able to walk around the eggshells good when you interact with that person". I had to sit and think about it and the truth is, it's years of practice due to having that kind of individual around all my life. I did WANT to love her and I did validate her and I was always different than her in that I was just friendlier and I tended to be more nurturing and patient, and that was what she always resented about me in that as my mother said, "she just could not be that way OE".

What has REALLY shocked me has been what she chose to do to finally express all her deep resentments. All her lies and gaslighting and manipulations and efforts to try to get others to believe what she was taking and actually stealing from her own parents was not her but me. As I mentioned, I was always nice to her but if that's what I had that she could not seem to have and resented to the point of needing others to think of me as the bad one, that's just sick.

I honestly could never think to do all the things my sister chose to do. She has tried to make me the villian and get people to think she is the victim. That must have been there right from the start, that resentment she harbored going all the way back. It started when I was way too little to have any ability to understand it, but one thing I can say is I did FEEL IT. I experience flashbacks but I am too little to see all these years later what I was experiencing. I find it incredible that I would experience this so many years later.

Sometimes I wonder if she experiences the hate and resentments she experienced so many year ago. It tends to feel that my sister is doing what she wanted to do had my parents not been watching. Although, many times my sister would rage at me not even caring if she did it in front of them. Yet, that was once they were too helpless to be able to do anything. I chose to distance in hopes that my parents would not be subjected to how my sister was when I was around. She wanted to me to react poorly, she seemed to need that so badly. It's extremely disturbing that someone would need to do that in order to feel empowered or relevant. It's much too sinister, not anything I would care to do.

I have to say that I find myself stuck in this disbelief, and I try not to be hard on myself for not catching on sooner when she began to withdraw money from my mother's account when my mother was not able to recognize it. My mother was still there mentally, but had been slowly giving in more and more. I watched both my parents grow tired as my sister controlled them more and more. It was a very hard thing to witness and what is even worse is when I saw the accounting my sister presented that showed me how she was on the take so early on. What's been such a challenge is that she used the same playbook that is layed out in the movie "gaslight". She literally gaslighted everyone, and she is STILL doing this.

It's not anything I would ever think to do and that's what an individual like this counts on.