The more i think about it, the more i think im going through real grief.

After both final sessions with Ts (that went well imo) i have waited a few days and then have sent them a short last email (they told me to do so).

During this time, between final session and first email contact (me sending to them), at first i have felt free, proud of myself for actually doing what i said i would, for keeping my word, and i felt kind of serene about my decision. Yes, sad also, but mostly i was proud for i finally got to get rid of all the unpleasant feelings and thoughts and worries you have when you're connected deeply with someone. i wouldnt have to HAVE TO talk about me anymore, not even think about what to tell next time AND i wouldnt have to WORRY about them anymore (in any way you can worry for/about them), so it felt like some kind of freedom (the freedom that is given by being alone) and, should i decide to end it, id finally be free of doing it without having to explain, apologise, (even test them), and feel overwhelming guilt. And i’ll have nobody to save me as well.

i knew from the beginning that ending would also bring up a lot of negative emotions… missing them, needing them, wanting to get back in touch or just know they're ok or alive… and i knew there will be times i'll think "this i must tell to T" but i wont have any T to listen to me... and i knew i would be mad at myself for quitting and wasting time and occasions i had to still be with them until they are still working before they retire (because sooner or later then THEY would have to end it - and this i couldnt accept anymore). I was ready (for as much as one can be) to that, but not to what Ft answered.

- FT: Jan 17 was the day of my last contact with f(female)T. she sent me a last reply to my email that devastated me. I for once had spilled out all my love for her in different ways. Asking how to behave from now on as if any contact would be possible and even offered her a last final session to clarify her doubts (she said she had a lot of questions for me). She replied in a very quick and hurried wat with few sentences. She practically said she accepted me quitting and told me not to bother to contact her gain. Didnt even mention the optional further session i offered her. That hurt! She also mentioned some positive things, but they sounded fake and said just out of politeness. what i really got from her email is that she was hurting, frustrated, mad and angry at me. She sounded so detached, upset, cold, disappointed. And… indifferent. Actually almost despising my attempts to tell her how thankful to her i am and how much i love her. This really hurt. With a few more words she actually said whatever i say from now on is indifferent to her. It HURT. She wouldnt want me back ever again. I feel she now hates me.

Now i wonder. How much must i have hurt her to push her to reply to me in such a way? She never once has been like this with me. I feel so sorry for how much i must have hurt her. And im a bit appalled by her reaction and very sad and sorry about what i have done to her, she didnt deserve it – but i did not do it TO her, i did it FOR me… how come she doesnt get it? its not personal! I had my reasons, i have explained them to her and they were not personal. How could she take them personally? Im so sad, hurt and disappointed and sorry. I have no intentions of contacting her ever again, i doubt she ever will either so… thats the real end and a crappy one. I thought she would have understood and not taken it personally. Its just real sad, end especially because she has made me feel she doesnt care and is indifferent to anything i feel (about her, about therapy, about what will happen to me, or anything). Its as if she said im disgusting to her. I really felt and still feeling that. That i am disgusting to her. That she’d hate to just see me casually on the streets.
I understand i guess…. I think in her mind, with quitting, i have “thrown away” all of her work with me and in her reply to me i feel she has “thrown away” all of my positive feelings about her and what we have done together that to me is not wasted as she may think. It was still useful and im still thankful. Im so sorry she cant see that because she had other goals for me. Im sorry. I knew from the beginning i am a lost cause and i would not make any t happy because… im ME!
I had just hoped for a better end or last contact…. Im so hurt and disappointed…

- MT: As for m(male)T, he instead insisted twice (on final session and through text later on) to have me go back. So then i sent him a last email too saying i wont go back unless he tells me he needs to talk to me in person one last time. And i asked him too how to behave from now on and if any contact would still be possible.
im still waiting for his reply. it should come, sooner or later. I hope so and i hope he doesnt take it that personally as FT has done but at this point i actually expect something worse.

Im very sad for both endings . And thinking that had i not chosen to quit, but to work through it all, we’d still be together is overwhelming to me.

Actually i still have one more pdoc in my life from the mental health center im followed by. I attempted to end it with her too but she threatened me not to give me/prescribe me my meds should i quit, so i decided to stay but i feel nothing for her and i dont want to talk with her about about anything significant.

Back to the original theme of this thread: in a few days and in a few hours or even just minutes i have felt deep sadness, guilt, anger, hate, relief, and from seeing a future where i kill myself because i miss them, to seeing a future that is better than before because every day i survive means each and every day i get stronger because i manage to survive it without them. Is this making any sense? But in any way, i feel like i killed someone… no, 2 people. 2 persons that were only good to me. For what? Out of fear?
And yes, the first days and still now, until i get an answer from MT i still feel in DENIAL, as if i just have to hold on a few more days or weeks and i twill all go back as before… and yes, i have felt deep ANGER towards them because in the end the people i love the most has hurt or will hurt me the most (family members included in a way and excluded in another way). Except for my family they were the most important persons in my life… BARGAINING… i think i already attempted that when i offered both another session after the final one should they had anything to tell me in person. I would have loved to be able to do that for them. It would have been the only way during all these years that i could have done something exclusively for them. I guess DEPRESSION will arrive after last email from MT… and ACCEPTANCE… sometimes i think i have already accepted it since i decided it and i knew both relationships had to end, but on the other hand i think i’ll never fully accept the way it ended. My fault and in a way that hurt everyone. Maybe it was really better to end it with my own death.