So, yesterday's session was the first since our couples session and I had to reconnect as just me and T. This is a new rhythm for me. My H will be coming in about once a month or so but I found reconnecting with T a difficult process. I have a very hard time holding onto "us" for more than four or five days at a time. I become anxious in the between times.

So, what do I do? Naturally I acted like a lunatic in session! I sat in the %#@&#! and began to tell T about some connections I had made. I feel as though I am getting closer to figuring out one of my forms of dissociation--the confusion. I rummaged through my purse to look for a poem(that I wrote). I wanted to read to him. I rummaged again for my glasses. Papers were flying and cell phones beeping. I realized I had my work cell phone with me (turned on) and commented to T that wouldn't it be hilarious if I broadcast my whole session to the entire campus. LOL

Finally, T goes, "Okay, enough with the props." We both started laughing. I told him I was uncomfortable and moved to the couch. He said we would breathe together. We did four deep belly breaths and then he asked what I noticed. I still was not grounded. Then I said I felt uncomfortable in my body. I moved again, and told him I needed to stand up. Then I pushed the ottoman over to sit on it instead. I had to push it around the chair to get near him.

Why do I think, that I can rearrange the furniture in his office? ROFLMAO



Then I finally moved back to the chair and read my poem to him. He said I was an excellent writer but I read like I am reading a shopping list.

Next time I think I'll bring my grocery list and say "ketchup, milk, paper towels, chicken."


the session ended fine but talk about a lot of work. I was practically sweating.

As I was leaving he told me he is taking a week off the week after next.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Reflection: I think my dissociative confusion reflects the frantic atmosphere of my early childhood. I NEEDED a mother or someone to help me to negotiate the world or share my confusion or just validate that what I was seeing was real. T says that when I become confused I am very young. Sigh.

I have to plan for this break from T the week after next. I miss him already and I am seeing him tomorrow! Maybe this time we can make a plan together and I will be able to openly discuss my fears surrounding his departure. I need to figure out how to hold onto him and not freak out when he's away. There is a part of me that gets very frightened of this.

I want to just sit and yell, "Nooooooo don't go away like they did! Stay with me and take care of me!"

Peace