Thank you for reading and answering, Rive.

i have BPD, i think FT should have expected it sooner or later since it is she that diagnsed me and right for this reason im more appalled at her reaction. compared to MT, i think FT reacted worse and more personally (even though i still dont know what MT will say or how he will react by email). i understand her reaction as a person, but i dont understand it as a T. maybe she was just tired of me and happy to be set free from me. i think she's happy we wont have to see each other ever again.

and i could well live with the final session i had with both, but its the last contacts i had with FT that are eating at me.

i cant believe after all she said and all she did for me and how well she seemed to understand they way i think, that this is her reaction. deep down it feels wrong and that things will be fixed sooner or later (denial), but in reality they probably wont.

as for MT i wanted to clarify: he kept saying we should meet again to better understand ME and what this is all meaning to me. so he would have liked to have me go back to full therapy or even just more sporadic therapy but still therapy FOR ME. what instead happened is that im 99,9% sure the quitting is the only option i had and i could well live with the final sessions i had with both. i got to tell them everything i wanted to tell them, but then i wodered if they, maybe, would have liked a final session forTHEM to tell me something thet wanted to say and didnt get the chance. thats why i said id like MT to ask for one more session but for HIM and not for me, because im satisfied with the final session we had. and i have nothing else to tell them both.

lastly, it kind of feels unfair that im here torturing myself over this all for some people who were supposed to help me, not put me in this situation and torturing myself over them both.

it all still seems unreal anyway… and i keep expecting hearing from them. i guess it wont happen ever again except maybe for an email from MT in reply to mine… i just find myself thinking about them day and night all the time. i knew it would have happened, i just have to come to terms with it, i guess.