Sorry you're struggling so much.

I know it's hard to cope with everyday life when the future looks bleak. It sucks. It really does.

In my case, I was unstable for many, many years straight and felt there was no way out of this hell. Then finally, after finding the right med combo, things got a lot better. It took a long time, but I did find stability. Are my meds perfect, though? No, definitely not. Meds don't work 100% of the time. But I am feeling a lot better than I was before. It was a long and arduous journey, but it was worth fighting. I never imagined I would ever feel so good after feeling so sh_tty for years on in.

We do have to remember that with bipolar, or even schizoaffective, it's virtually impossible to feel this way for the rest of our lives. Things will always get better at some point, as cliche as that sounds. That's the nature of the disorder. Of course, I can't guarantee that you won't become unstable again, but there are at least moments where I've truly enjoyed and cherished life. I cling onto those moments of happiness and joy when I'm feeling down, and it has helped me when I reminisce on all the good times I've had because it reminds me that life can be beautiful and isn't always this hell we have to endure from time to time.

Please don't give up fighting. You deserve to get better and enjoy life. Things will eventually get better. You won't always feel like this.