hi again Rive, thank you for validating me. i knew it would have been hard but after 13yrs with MT and 4 with FT i think i've had enough with therapy. i just got fed up with it.

Hi LonesomeTonight, thank you too for your contribution and support.

yes, its exactly like that. it seems to be hadrer to go past Ts endings than even family members' deaths… maybe because they're not really dead and you can keep wondering and thinking about them as alive and, for me at least, it doesnt give me peace. while knowing my grandma is in heaved gives me peace…

i dont think after what i said in the emails that i can go back to them or even contact them anymore. i did it to protect myself even though it hurts as hell. both because it was my decision and it was not really necessary and because they agreed to that, so its me taking it as they didnt want me anymore anyway. and that hurts.

im sure they both didnt expect it from me now. but i warned them about a week before saying i wasnt sure and decided only while during last session that it was going to be the final one. maybe not too long notice, but i had said other times i wanted to quit so it was not a new thing for both of them.

FT didnt exactly say "dont bother to contact me again" but i swear that what i got from her words. she had previously said when we terminate i can Always go back because circumstances change with time so you never know, but this time when i said i was quitting she answered that way that seemed to leave no space for checking back or any other contact.

i know offering a last session FOR them wasnt in the "guidelines" but i felt quite sure i could say something like that and honestly i thought they both would have accepted because i had been selfish saying all i had to and not giving them time to process and elaborate and maybe say all they wanted to say. or maybe they just have nothing to say but from their own words i can feel they would have liked to end with more discussions and details from me. FT said she had a lot of questions for me. MT said we should explore what leaving now means to me. i felt like they both wanted to know more thats why i offered them a last session FOR THEM. and it would have been good for me too to be able for once to do something for them, not much but a little… the little i could i would have done it more than happily. i do not want another session for me. of course im curious about what they would have said, but thats just curiosity, not a need. i am satisfied with the final session we had.

the only weird thing is im still waiting to hear from them… as when a person dies and you still expect him/her to come home at night… this will be hard to go away… and will hurt, but i hope that with time it will hurt less and not more...